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How to Deal With a Partner Who Has Wandering Eyes

Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20+ years. She's the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book. 

Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments.

Signs of a Wandering Eye

Differing viewpoints.

• Impact of Social Media
• Have You Crossed a Line?

How to Respond

When a person has a 'wandering eye,' it means looking and having sexual thoughts about people other than their current romantic partner. It may include behaviors such as overtly evaluating and appreciating someone's physical attractiveness or even outright flirting with people who are not their romantic partners.

When the issue of a partner's eyes wandering is discussed, there seem to be two general responses: Either the behavior is brushed off as nothing to be concerned about or feelings of hurt and disrespect ensue, which may harm the relationship .

Some even believe checking out people other than a committed partner is a sure sign of infidelity, or at least a form of micro-cheating . The true answer to whether or not this is OK lies with you, your needs, and your personal boundaries .

It is important to recognize that each person has differing definitions depending on their beliefs and boundaries. Some examples of behaviors that characterize a wandering eye include:

• Blatantly checking out another person
• Flirting with other people
• Having sexual fantasies about others
• Talking about sexual fantasies about other people
• Telling other people they are attractive
• Planning romantic or sexual encounters with people other than their partner
• Texting or DMing people other than their partner

The behaviors that characterize a wandering eye involve how a person thinks about or communicates with people other than their partner. If these thoughts or actions lead to romantic or sexual encounters, it would be defined as cheating .

According to  Gail Saltz, M.D ., a psychiatrist and expert on relationship matters, blatantly checking out, commenting on, repeatedly admiring, and flirting or touching someone else usually feels quite undermining to a partner.

For partners that are bothered by the behavior, having wandering eyes is often described as:

• A sign of disrespect
• Damaging to a relationship
• Insensitive behavior that shows a lack of caring
• One of the first signs of cheating and that a person is looking for another relationship

Dr. Saltz acknowledges that all humans have some measure of voyeurism and exhibitionism: we like to look and we like to show.

But unless both parties are confident of the others' affection and fidelity, an obvious and frequent wandering eye will generally stir up envy and hurt, making one feel unappreciated and even threatened in the relationship.

On the other hand, some people believe that having a wandering eye is perfectly normal behavior. People in this camp often don't worry about a quick glance, and some may not even be bothered by something more.

Those who feel this way often cite the following points:

• Looking at an attractive person is thought to be a natural physiological reaction.
• A person with wandering eyes just appreciates beauty.

Again, it's important to remember that you define what is normal and acceptable for yourself and your relationship. That said, a study published in the  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that a consistent wandering eye probably signals a more significant issue in a relationship, which is worth considering.

Some evidence suggests that people prone to having a wandering eye are also more likely to engage in infidelity. One study found that people who found attractive people more attention-grabbing were more likely to eventually cheat on their partners.

Impact of Social Media and Technology

People don't just engage in 'wandering' behaviors in real-world encounters. They can also make their way into online interactions. In such settings, 'wandering' might involve:

• Flirting with another person, either in the comments section on their social media post or via direct message
• "Liking" another person's photos to communicate interest
• Flirtatious, romantic, or sexual texting with people who are not the person's partner
• Intentionally joining social sites in order to engage in flirtatious communication with others

Such behaviors can affect trust, communication, and intimacy in a relationship. According to one survey, around a quarter of people in relationships feel that technology has had a negative impact on their relationships.

Have You or Your Partner Crossed the Line

It isn't always easy to determine if you or your partner have crossed a boundary in your relationship. This is because it is normal to think that other people are attractive and doing so doesn't necessarily mean that you've broken trust with your partner.

In order to recognize whether you or your partner have a wandering eye, consider the following:

• How would your partner feel if they knew about your behaviors?
• How would it make you feel if your partner was doing the same thing?
• Have you ever discussed boundaries with your partner?
• Does your current behavior violate your partner's trust?
• Are you hiding your behavior from your partner?

If you feel like your partner would be hurt or upset and need to hide your actions from them, it is a good sign that your actions are crossing the line. 

If you are bothered by your partner's eyes wandering, Dr. Saltz suggests that you make it clear that although you don't expect them to wear blinders, you don't want them to ogle someone else.

If your partner really won't make any effort to change and doesn't appear to care how it makes you feel, it's likely that other issues may be affecting your relationship that couple's therapy could help examine.

Indeed, it seems that research agrees with this advice. The aforementioned study goes on to say that nagging your partner to stop looking likely won't address any underlying problems, either. Your relationship will require communication and a strategy to boost satisfaction and commitment.

Leading with jealousy and sweeping requests for your partner to change his or her behavior may lead them to tune you out. Instead, Dr. Saltz suggests the following:

• Accept that your partner's wandering eye is not a reflection of your own attractiveness.
• Don't try to "police" your partner's wandering eyes.
• If your partner's wandering eye creates a problem in your relationship, discuss the issue with them. Start with your own feelings, not with an accusation or criticism. 
• Suggest couple's therapy or attend therapy on your own if your requests are continually ignored.
• Try to casually acknowledge it first when a beautiful person comes into view.

A Word From Verywell

A wandering eye could very well be a natural, simple acknowledgment of attractive people—nothing more. Of course, that may not be the case all the time. Regardless, your feelings should be valid to your partner. If it bothers you and you have calmly expressed as such to your partner, he or she should be receptive to your concerns.

DeWall, CN, Maner, JK, Deckman, T, Rouby, DA. Forbidden fruit: inattention to attractive alternatives provokes implicit relationship reactance . J Pers Soc Psychol . 2011;100(4), 621–629. doi:10.1037/a0021749

McNulty JK, Meltzer AL, Makhanova A, Maner JK. Attentional and evaluative biases help people maintain relationships by avoiding infidelity .  J Pers Soc Psychol . 2018;115(1):76-95. doi:10.1037/pspi0000127

Pew Research Center. Couples, the internet, and social media .

American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. About marriage and family therapists .

Dewall CN, Maner JK, Deckman T, Rouby DA. Forbidden fruit: Inattention to attractive alternatives provokes implicit relationship reactance .  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology . 2011;100(4):621-629. doi:10.1037/a0021749

By Sheri Stritof Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20+ years. She's the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book. 

20 Tips To Dealing With Your Partner’s Wandering Eyes

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It doesn’t feel good when your partner looks at other attractive people right in front of you.

This is what having a wandering eye basically means, but is it acceptable in a relationship? Could it even be considered cheating?

First of all, you are allowed to feel whatever it is that you’re feeling. You’re not crazy to want your partner to only have eyes for you.

That being said, wandering eyes sometimes simply represent the natural acknowledgment of beauty. Noticing that another person is attractive doesn’t necessarily mean that you intend to cheat on your partner with that or any other person.

So why does it feel like cheating then?

Is it cheating if your partner checks out other people while they’re with you? Well, much like flirting, it depends on what exactly happens and the intention behind it.

When your partner gazes at an attractive person for a second and then quickly looks away, it can be even flattering. They have noticed that the other person is attractive, but they don’t want you to think that they would be into them, so they avoid staring at them.

On the other hand, when your partner consciously checks out another person from head to toe and keeps gazing at them in front of you, knowing that it bothers you, they might not be cheating, but there’s something very wrong.

Does it bother you, and do they care? This question is much more important than whether or not wandering eyes can be considered cheating. While wandering eyes are definitely not a sign that your partner is being unfaithful—at least not without other signs to indicate the same—it’s definitely disrespectful if they know that it bothers you.

In other words, they might not be technically crossing the line, but if they are breaking your personal boundary, it’s just as important to address it. Here’s how:

Speak to a certified relationship counselor about this issue. Why? Because they have the training and experience to help you approach your partner’s wandering eyes in the most appropriate way. You may want to try speaking to someone via RelationshipHero.com for practical advice that is tailored to your exact circumstances.

1. Don’t let it harm your self-esteem.

Your partner’s eyes would probably wander even if they were in a relationship with a supermodel. So, don’t think that this has anything to do with how attractive you are, to them or to anyone else. Try not to let it harm your self-esteem.

Even if your partner simply notices that some people are especially attractive, the problem is that, by doing that in front of you, they force you to notice these people too. So, you compare yourself to them, and it’s perfectly normal to feel self-conscious and jealous when that happens. Your self-esteem could take a big hit because of all this, so remind yourself of all your positive qualities.

Your partner is looking at these people, but they are choosing to be with you. Obviously, they are attracted to you, otherwise they wouldn’t be with you. So, don’t assume that you’re less attractive than the people they look at.

If your partner’s behavior is still harming your self-esteem, you’ll need to let them know about it. And they should respect you enough to restrain themselves from staring at other people in your presence.

It’s not the same thing when someone catches your partner’s eye for a second and when their eyes linger. They can’t prevent the first one, but they can control the second one. So, if it’s harming your self-esteem, they should care enough to try to control themselves.

2. Consider whether it could be entirely innocent.

While you do have the right to feel whatever it is that you’re feeling, consider whether you’re being rational or if you’re letting your insecurities get the best of you. A single look could hold a lot of meaning, but it also doesn’t have to mean anything.

How does your partner look at these people? They might simply be noticing that others are attractive without even imagining being with them. Would you notice if someone of your preferred gender suddenly walked in looking like a movie star? There’s nothing wrong with that.

However, if you were with your partner at the moment, you would probably try to hide the fact that you might be attracted to someone else. You wouldn’t make it obvious or even flirt with this person. If your partner simply notices beautiful people, there’s no need to panic because it’s completely innocent.

Even flirting can be innocent. However, when they are openly doing these things in front of you, it might mean that they don’t respect you or aren’t afraid of losing you. That might be innocent in terms of cheating, but it’s definitely not innocent in terms of relationship problems.

3. Consider how long it lasts.

Does your partner look away quickly, or do their eyes linger? Do they look at the person long enough that they’re more than just appreciating their beauty? Are they noticing attractive people when they show up or searching for them across the room?

Does it end with gazing for a while, or do they approach the person and even flirt with them? Do they look once, or do they keep looking at the person every now and then as if they’re trying to make eye contact or are thinking about approaching them?

Considering how long it lasts also means that you should think about whether your partner has always been doing this. Or has it started only recently? Maybe they only had eyes for you before, but lately you’ve been having relationship problems, and their eyes have started searching for a new potential partner.

On the other hand, maybe they always had wandering eyes because they see nothing wrong with what they’re doing. As you can see, a lot depends on your exact circumstances, so try to think about everything and be as objective as possible.

4. Think about your definition of cheating.

Everyone is allowed to have their own definition of what is and isn’t cheating, but, in a relationship, you should agree on the same definition. This doesn’t always happen, and it can be difficult to draw the line.

For instance, flirting might be entirely innocent and even subconscious with no intention of letting it lead to anything more. On the other hand, your partner might flirt with someone with the intention to cheat. Even hugging, which is generally not even close to cheating, can be considered as betraying your partner if it’s a long, romantic hug.

The point is, while some things aren’t generally considered cheating, there are situations when they can be a sign of infidelity. At the very least, you can object to your partner doing them. So, consider your definition of cheating.

If you feel like your partner is betraying you by having wandering eyes, that’s okay, you have a right to feel that way. You are the one who decides what’s acceptable and what’s unacceptable in your relationship, but your partner has to understand it too.

5. Look for signs of infidelity.

Wandering eyes aren’t indicative of cheating unless there are more signs. So, if you are worried that your partner is being unfaithful or is thinking about cheating, look for signs of infidelity.

Do they hide their phone from you? Are they secretive about where they’ve been and who they’ve been with? Have you caught them lying to you about where they’ve been and who they’ve been with? Are they already having an emotional affair that you know about? Do they look at any attractive people or someone in particular? Answering these questions will help you find out whether they’re cheating on you or not.

If your partner doesn’t show any signs of infidelity other than wandering eyes, don’t exaggerate the problem. It might still be an issue and/or indicate other problems, but don’t worry about your partner being unfaithful if they have given you no other reason to doubt them.

On the other hand, if they are cheating on you, or thinking about it, you should be able to tell by more than just their wandering eyes.

6. Consider how you see it.

From your partner’s point of view, it’s possible that nothing really happened. They talked to you, they noticed a beautiful person walk by, they talked to you again, and then they went on with their life and forgot all about the beautiful person. They still remember you though, so, what’s the big deal?

It’s always best to consider things from different perspectives. What happened from your point of view? Your partner disrespected you by openly checking out another person of their preferred gender and made you feel bad about yourself. Is that what happened? You are free to have your version!

If you are not sure that you have the right to your version of what happened, consider how it would look from the outside. What would some stranger who was watching you think? They’d notice that you’re a couple and that your partner notices other attractive people. Perhaps they’d assume that your partner’s not entirely committed and loyal to you, or perhaps they wouldn’t think anything of it. How you see it matters.

7. Consider how often it happens.

Can you live with your partner’s wandering eyes? How often do they look at other people? Does it happen every time someone wears something revealing or do they only notice extremely beautiful people? Do they constantly check out other people, or do they only occasionally notice someone attractive? Considering how often it happens could help you decide whether you can live with it if it doesn’t stop.

Be aware that, occasionally, everyone notices other attractive people even if they’re in a happy, committed relationship. It’s human. However, most people will try to restrain themselves from doing this in front of their partner not to hurt them.

If your partner occasionally slips up and checks out someone, that might not be such a big issue. However, if you’ve told them how it makes you feel and they often do it regardless of that, they are not treating you properly.

8. Check if others have noticed it too.

Have other people also noticed that your partner has wandering eyes? Talk to your friends and ask them about it. It’s important that you see all of this objectively. For that, you’ll need other people’s input too. Feel free to also ask for their opinion on that. Try to use their insights to see things as objectively as possible.

Different people will see this issue differently and they would all agree that it comes down to whether you find it acceptable or not. Either is fine, but it’s important that you are okay.

Others might also help you determine whether your partner is cheating on you or not. They can help you realize if you’re exaggerating things. Maybe you are insecure, and you noticed your partner looking at someone else once or twice. You got it in your head that they’re unfaithful while they might not have given it any thought at all. That too is possible, so talk to your loved ones and let them help you figure out which one it is.

9. Decide on where the line is for you.

Setting boundaries is important in a healthy relationship. Have you told your partner that it bothers you when they look at other people? Maybe you know that it’s probably nothing to worry about, so you don’t want to bring it up. However, if it eats you up inside and you’re upset over it, don’t keep it in. What does commitment and being loyal mean to you?

If you are crazy about your partner and only have eyes for them, it’s natural to be bothered when they check out other people in your presence.  

The two of you need to agree on your definition of fidelity. Maybe your partner doesn’t consider it cheating if they think about being with someone else as long as they don’t do anything about it. Or, they think flirting is fine as long as you don’t sleep with the person.

Maybe they only consider sex as cheating, while kissing doesn’t matter that much. Anything is possible, so you need to talk to your partner about your definitions of fidelity and cheating if you haven’t done that already.

10. Tell them how it makes you feel without forbidding them anything.

Does this behavior bother you? Is your partner aware of it? This is the most important question. Don’t assume that they know if you haven’t told them. Don’t nag them about it or forbid them from doing it. Don’t accuse or criticize them. Simply talk about how it makes you feel.

Talk about your point of view and your feelings. Let them know that you understand that it’s natural to notice beautiful people but that it makes you feel ugly when they do it in front of you. There doesn’t have to be anything wrong with what they’re doing for it to hurt you and for them to avoid it because it upsets you.

At the very least, once you’ve had this conversation, you’ll know that they’re aware that it bothers you. Will they understand your point of view though? Will they care?

11. See if they understand your point of view and care about it.

Your partner might accuse you of being jealous and overreacting. They might not acknowledge the issue at all. They may not see anything wrong with what they’re doing.

In the end, they might not care about your point of view and your feelings. If this is the case, you have a bigger problem than their wandering eyes. They should at least hear you out and try to understand your point of view.

If you can’t communicate well with your partner, this will keep causing you problems or make problems harder to resolve.

It’s really not that difficult to understand your point of view, especially if you don’t really notice other attractive people yourself. While your partner’s behavior might be entirely innocent, they should be able to understand how it can seem disrespectful at the very least.

12. Find out whether they know it’s wrong.

Do they see something wrong with having wandering eyes? Maybe they’ve always been like this, and it’s a part of how they were raised. If this is the case, it might make sense why they can’t understand your point of view.

Maybe they consider this as normal behavior, and they might really think that you’re just overly jealous. Are they otherwise loyal and respectful? If so, you might have to learn to live with wandering eyes.

Consider your entire relationship before freaking out about your partner looking at someone else. If they otherwise treat you well, show you love and respect, and make you happy, and you know that they’re not cheating on you, maybe you can find a way to accept that looking at others is not such a big deal.

Maybe you could let it slide. In fact, maybe there really isn’t anything wrong with what they’re doing. On the other hand, if they are unfaithful or disrespectful, wandering eyes are just a small issue that indicates that.

13. See whether they’ll try to restrain themselves from doing it.

When your partner knows that something bothers you, they should try to restrain themselves from doing it, even if they don’t understand your point of view. So, see whether your partner will act differently after you’ve told them about how it makes you feel.

Maybe they’ll still notice a beautiful person, but now they’ll quickly look away when they do instead of checking the person out from head to toe. It’s not perfect, but it’s definitely something. It shows that your partner is trying to be considerate of your feelings and doesn’t want to hurt you. That’s a great sign!

If your partner doesn’t change their behavior and just keeps openly checking out other people in front of you, try talking to them again. Maybe they don’t understand that it’s hurting you or that there’s something wrong with it. It’s either that or there are other problems in your relationship. Your partner might not respect you, or they’re taking you for granted.

14. Consider whether there are underlying issues in your relationship.

Are there other problems in your relationship other than or related to wandering eyes? Maybe there’s something else that requires your focus much more than wandering eyes, especially if your partner only recently started looking at other attractive people. If the two of you have been unhappy in the relationship, your partner may be looking for a way out of it, even if unconsciously.

Don’t sweep your problems under the rug. Talk about them, and if you’re having trouble communicating efficiently, get the help of a therapist. If your partner is disrespectful toward you in general, that’s also something that you can work on during couples counseling.

15. Consider whether your partner respects you.

By now, you already know that your partner’s behavior can be interpreted as a sign of disrespect. So, is your partner otherwise respectful? Do they value your opinions and want to hear your thoughts? Do they turn to you for advice? Do they treat you properly? Do they respect your choices and boundaries?

Or, does your partner put you down and make you feel bad about yourself?

If your partner doesn’t respect you, it will be difficult to have a healthy relationship. Maybe they love you, but they also need to be respectful, and if they can’t do that, their love probably isn’t going to be enough to make things work between you.

Set healthy boundaries and demand respect from your partner. Speak up when they try to put you down or disrespect your boundaries.

16. Consider whether your partner takes you for granted.

Maybe your partner’s behavior isn’t disrespectful, but they act that way because they assume you’d never leave them no matter what they do.

It’s possible that your partner takes you for granted and thinks that they can do whatever they want because you’ll still love them. If you haven’t set boundaries from the beginning of the relationship, it might have been this way from the very start.

Does your partner think that they could never lose you? If so, you might want to remind them that it is definitely possible if they treat you badly. Make them realize that you are going to walk away if they push your boundaries.

Don’t let things slide all the time, learn to say “no,” stick to your boundaries, and don’t tolerate disrespect. Make them take you seriously.

17. Start acknowledging beautiful people.

You could start acknowledging beautiful people before they do. Mention that a person looks hot before they get the chance to notice them. Look at attractive people of your preferred gender just like they do. If there’s nothing wrong with what they’re doing, you’re allowed to do it too.

This may help you understand them better. Who knows, maybe you’d be fine with commenting on people together and checking out attractive people as they pass by. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. See what works best for you.

Try doing the same as your partner, and even beat them to it. If there’s nothing wrong with it, it won’t feel awkward when you join them. If they do feel awkward about it, it might make them stop doing it. But, hey, maybe you’d be fine with the whole thing!

18. Consider whether you could be okay with it.

Could you just accept that your partner has wandering eyes? If they’re otherwise loving, respectful, and loyal, that might not be such a big deal.

Even if they’re not, you might not care so much about them looking at other people, you just don’t want them to cheat on you. Are there any other signs of infidelity? If not, they’re not cheating on you, so let them look.

Does it still make you feel bad though? Trust your instincts and do what your heart tells you. If you can be okay with your partner checking out other people, accept them the way they are. If you can’t live with it and they’re not changing after you’ve talked to them several times, consider leaving the relationship.

19. Consider ending the relationship.

Wandering eyes aren’t something that you end a relationship over, but what if it’s just the tip of the iceberg? What if you’re generally unhappy with how your partner treats you, and they are unlikely to change? If that is so, consider ending the relationship.

You don’t have to wait for your partner to cheat on you to have a good enough reason to end things with them. If you can’t trust them, that’s a serious issue, even if they gave you no reason to doubt them. You can’t be with someone you can’t trust, even if it’s because of your own trust issues.

So, if you and your partner don’t want to try couples therapy to sort out your problems, consider going your separate ways. If you want someone who only has eyes for you, you can find that person. Not everyone has wandering eyes, and it’s okay not to find that acceptable.

20. Try couples therapy.

Whether this is the only problem in your relationship or there are more of them, a therapist can help. As long as you’re both willing to put in the work, your relationship stands a chance. So, don’t give up if you want to stay together. Talk to someone who can help you get back on track and resolve your issues.

You can talk to a therapist even without your partner. They can help you with the right advice for your specific situation. While this article can give you some clarity, tailored advice will differ depending on the specifics of your situation.

As you’ve already learned, there are many reasons why a person in a committed relationship might have wandering eyes. If this behavior is causing problems between you and your partner, you can work to find solutions. So talk to someone who will listen to your whole story and give you tailored advice.

Relationship Hero is a website where you can connect with a relationship counselor via phone, video, or instant message.

While you can try to work through this situation yourself or as a couple, it may be a bigger issue than self-help can fix. And if it is affecting your relationship and mental well-being, it is a significant thing that needs to be resolved.

Too many people – both couples and individuals – try to muddle through and do their best to solve problems that they never really get to grips with. If it’s at all possible in your circumstances, speaking to a relationship expert is 100% the best way forward.

Click here if you’d like to learn more about the service Relationship Hero provide and the process of getting started.

You’ve already taken the first step just by searching for and reading this article. The worst thing you can do right now is nothing. The best thing is to speak to an expert. The next best thing is to implement everything you’ve learned in this article by yourself. The choice is yours.

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About The Author

Ana Vakos enjoys writing about love and all the problems that come with it. Everyone has experiences with love, and everyone needs dating advice, so giving these topics more attention and spreading the word means a lot to her.

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How to Deal With a Partner Who Has Wandering Eyes

Jenni Jacobsen is a licensed social worker with a master's degree in social work from The Ohio State University, and she is in the process of completing her dissertation... Read more

In This Article

Dealing with a partner who has a wandering eye can be difficult. You may worry that they are not that interested in you or that they may leave the relationship for someone else.

There are ways to cope with men with roaming eyes, so you can determine if the relationship can be saved. It can also be helpful to understand this is a problem and when it is not.

Each situation is different, but in many cases, it may just be a natural reaction to beauty, and you and your partner should be able to understand the situation.

What does it mean to have a wandering eye?

Before you determine whether your partner’s roaming eye may be a problem, it is helpful to understand what is a wandering eye.

The number one indicator that someone has a roaming eye is that they can be seen checking out other people. Essentially, they will notice other attractive people and look their way.

Roaming eyes do not always have to occur in person. As such, people may also follow attractive people on social media.

Whether it occurs in person or on the Internet, a simple way to explain the wandering eye meaning is that it involves your partner noticing people who are physically attractive .

What causes a wandering eye in a relationship?

If you are dealing with such a person, you may be asking yourself what causes this behavior.

Having a wandering eye is simply a natural reaction to seeing attractive people. When it is only a quick glance in the direction of a particularly attractive person, a roaming eye can just signify a normal appreciation of beauty.

Psychologists have even spent time researching the underlying causes, and they have concluded that when something catches our attention as humans, we unintentionally look in its direction.

Simply put, we are easily distracted, and looking at an attractive person is a natural reaction to something distracting in the environment.

That being said, it is not always a problem. It can simply be your partner’s gut reaction to beauty and nothing more.

On the other hand, if your partner is openly ogling other people or going so far as to comment on their appearance or flirt with them, this case may be a red flag that signals deeper issues.

Signs your partner has a wandering eye

Now that you know what it means and what causes it, it can be helpful to know the signs of a roaming eye. Three signs to look for in your relationship include:

• On more than one occasion, you have caught your partner looking up and down at an attractive person in public.
• Your partner follows attractive people on social media, such as fitness models or women who pose in bikinis or skimpy clothing.
• Your partner may glance at a woman walking by but then return his attention to you.

Some of the above signs are a natural reaction to seeing someone attractive and may not signal a problem.

Some more obvious and hurtful signs your partner has a wandering eye are as follows:

• Your partner openly admires other people when with you and appears to look at them longingly.
• Your partner approaches attractive people and flirts with them in your presence.
• Your significant other appears to gaze intently at other people and makes comments about their appearance, such as how nice their bodies are.

Does having a wandering eye mean your partner is cheating?

Roaming eyes can be a source of concern in some relationships, and whether it signals cheating depends on the situation. As previously stated, it is often a natural reaction for people to glance in the direction of an attractive person.

You may even find that you tend to look in the direction of members of the same sex who happen to be beautiful. You are simply noticing and appreciating beauty, which is human nature.

When it is a quick glance and nothing more, it is probably nothing to worry about and likely does not mean your significant other is cheating. We cannot expect our partners to wear blinders and avoid acknowledging other people.

If your partner notices people of the opposite sex but quickly turns attention back to you, this behavior is usually totally acceptable.

On the other hand, there are cases where it can be indicative of a larger problem. In fact, people who view others as attractive are more likely to stray in their relationships. That being said, having a wandering eye is not the only indication that someone is at risk of cheating .

Other factors, including being dissatisfied with the relationship, are linked to cheating. Furthermore, the link between cheating and a roaming eye is seen among people who have difficulty looking away from attractive people.

What all of this means is that quick glances that occur in reaction to an attractive person do not typically mean your partner is cheating.

On the other hand, when a roaming eye becomes excessive, and it seems like your partner cannot help himself but continue to gawk, something more may be going on here, especially if he openly flirts with or talks about how hot other people are.

5 signs your partner’s wandering eye may be cheating

If you are worried your partner’s problem may mean that he is cheating, there are some telltale signs to be aware of that might confirm your suspicions. Here are five to consider:

1. Their habits with technology have changed

If your partner is suddenly hooked on the phone and seems to be scrolling through Facebook and responding to texts and emails at all hours, the roaming eye may have turned into cheating, and he is using the phone to connect with a person who caught his eye more than once.

2. Your partner is suddenly highly critical of you

If your partner seems to find something wrong with everything you do , it may be that the honeymoon stage of the relationship has passed, and they are too immature to handle your quirks.

Instead of working through this with you, they may have turned to someone else.

3. There has been a change in your sexual relationship

If a roaming eye has led your partner astray, you may find that your sexual relationship changes . In some cases, your partner may stop having sex with you because he feels guilty.

On the other hand, adding new habits to the bedroom could mean he has learned new tricks outside of the relationship.

While there can be other reasons for changes to your sex life, when these changes are sudden and are paired with a roaming eye and other signs of cheating, it can be cause for suspicion.

4. Emotional intimacy has shut down as well

Physical intimacy is not the only form of closeness needed in a successful relationship.

If you find that you and your partner are no longer communicating or connecting, or they seem to be distant and unwilling to have personal conversations or discussions about the future with you, the issue may have turned into an affair.

5. Your partner is changing their style or way of dressing

When your significant other has a roaming eye and has suddenly started dressing up or trying out a new style, they may have found a new mate who has caught their attention. Dramatic shifts in style can be a sign that they are trying to impress someone else.

If the situation has been excessive and they are displaying one or more of the above signs, it may be time to consider the possibility of cheating.

How to deal with a partner who has wandering eyes

Men with wandering eyes can be frustrating, but the answer to how to fix a wandering eye depends upon the situation. If it is harmless, you may not necessarily need to stop the situation but rather change the way you look at it.

For example, if your significant other occasionally glances in the direction of an attractive person but returns his attention to you and shows no signs of cheating, this may be an innocent, natural response.

Here are the ways for dealing with someone with a wandering eye when the situation is harmless:

1. Accept it for what it is

Recognize that acknowledging someone else as being attractive is normal and does not mean your partner doesn’t love or respect you . If it’s just a quick glance, it is part of human nature.

2. Have some confidence about it

Your gut reaction may be to feel that your partner does not find you attractive if they have the issue, but remember that they have chosen to be with you, out of all the beautiful people in the world.

While his natural reaction may be to glance in the direction of an attractive woman, they still choose to stay with you. Showing confidence in this fact will make you appear even more attractive to him.

3. Take time to recognize your own good qualities

We all want to be loved and desired by our partners, so when we catch them looking at someone else, it may make us feel less than. Try not to think this way, and instead, remember your own good qualities. It takes more than just physical attractiveness to have a successful relationship.

You and your partner have a connection that runs ways deeper than a momentary glance. You have built a life together and have interests in common, and your partner probably values your personality and the spiritual connection the two of you have.

Given all of this, a quick glance in someone else’s direction typically does not undermine all that your partner values about you.

In the video below, Andrea Crump talks about how the roaming eyes of a person can cause insecurities in their partner. She provides tips to handle it. Take a look:

4. Confront your partner

If you have considered the above, and your partner’s issue still makes you uncomfortable, it may be time to have a conversation.

For example, if your partner spends so much time checking out others when you two are together that you feel you do not have his attention, it may be time to have an honest conversation about the fact that it bothers you. Be careful not to be too harsh or critical.

You may start the conversation by saying, “You may not even notice that you are doing this, but when we are together, you sometimes spend so much time staring at other girls that I feel like you do not even notice me.”

5. Play along

Another way to fix a wandering eye is to play along with your partner.

For instance, if you see him looking another woman up and down, you may comment, “She has a great smile, doesn’t she?”

Maybe your partner didn’t even realize he was spending so much time noticeably admiring others, and this method will draw his attention to it so that he is more mindful of it in the future.

If your partner’s issue is making you uncomfortable and they continue to make no effort to change their behavior, there may be something more going on, especially if there are other red flags, such as emotional distance between the two of you.

It may be time to have a heartfelt conversation about the status of the relationship.

Perhaps your partner isn’t getting what they need from you, and instead of doing the right thing and addressing it, they are wondering what it might be like to be with someone else. In this case, it has become a bigger problem.

If you find that you have to nag your partner to stop staring at others, it may be time to seek professional intervention, such as couple’s therapy, to determine if there are underlying issues that can be resolved.

3 tips for how to fix a wandering eye

If it has become a big enough problem that it requires fixing to keep you happy in the relationship, there are some tips that can make the process easier for you. When having a conversation about your partner’s problem, consider the following advice:

1. Avoid making dramatic requests

You cannot expect your partner to never look at other people, and making huge requests, such as telling him he cannot be around other women, is likely to result in him tuning you out.

Instead, you might calmly state that you would prefer he not spend time openly ogling other people when you are together.

2. State your own feelings without being harsh or critical

Remember that sometimes, it is just a natural, innocent reaction to beauty. Instead of criticizing your partner by calling names or suggesting that they have selfish or malicious motives, use “I” statements and focus on how you feel.

3. Acknowledge that you know the behavior can be totally normal

Your partner’s defenses will be heightened if you have unreasonable expectations, so it can be helpful to begin the conversation by acknowledging that you know it is only natural for beautiful women to catch their attention.

This shows him that you are not asking him to go against his nature but rather to be more mindful of his behavior to not come across as disrespectful to you.

In a healthy, secure relationship, you should be able to have a heartfelt conversation about your partner’s problem if it has become a problem for you.

If the conversation doesn’t go well, it may be time to dive deeper into your relationship issues through additional conversation or professional intervention .

How to deal with such a partner can certainly depend upon the situation. We are all drawn to attractive people, and in many cases, it can just be human nature. When we see someone beautiful, we are inclined to look in their direction. Chances are, you may even have an innocent wandering eye yourself from time-to-time.

When your partner glances at others in public or on social media, it is probably nothing to worry about. The world is full of attractive people, and someone else’s beauty does not take away from your own.

If your partner remains committed to you, meets your needs, and seems happy with you, you can be confident in the fact that he has chosen you among all the beautiful people in the world.

Remember, it is a momentary acknowledgment of someone else’s attractiveness in many cases, but your partner spends many more moments with you.

On the other hand, if it becomes a problem, you may notice that your partner is openly ogling other women, commenting on their beauty, or even flirting while in a relationship.

If this is the case, an honest conversation about your feelings may resolve the issue. Perhaps your partner was unaware of the behavior or its effect on you. If it continues to be a problem, it could be signs of relationship trouble, especially if other red flags are involved.

You have every right to discuss this with your partner or to request couples counseling if you have ongoing troubles in your relationship.

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Jenni Jacobsen is a licensed social worker with a master's degree in social work from The Ohio State University, and she is in the process of completing her dissertation for a Doctorate of Philosophy in Psychology. She has worked in the social work field for 8 years and is currently a professor at Mount Read more Vernon Nazarene University. She writes website content about mental health, addiction, and fitness. Licensed as both a social worker through Ohio Board of Counselors, Social Workers, and Marriage/Family Therapists and school social worker through Ohio Department of Education as well as a personal trainer through American Council on Exercise. Read less

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Once you're in a relationship, it's totally understandable to want your partner to think you are the hottest person on the planet. And surely, they do. But there are literally tons of attractive people your bae is going to come across on a daily basis, and although a glance or two can be harmless, it's still totally normal to be concerned you're missing the signs your partner has a wandering eye . The thing is, being in a relationship doesn't make you oblivious to other attractive people, so, is this actually something you need to be worried about?

Well, it depends. It's worth noting that looking at someone who's attractive and perhaps even engaging them in conversation is different than anything that would physically be defined as cheating. Although, the definition of "cheating" can and often does vary from relationship to relationship.

It might sound surprising, but according to a study published in the U.S. National Library Of Medicine, it only takes about 100 milliseconds of gazing for the average person to decide if someone is a potential sexual partner. That's less than a second, which is far from the obvious ogling that most people associate with a "wandering eye". I spoke with Brooklyn-based dating expert Demetrius Figueroa to figure out the common signs your partner is window shopping, and how to tell if it's harmless or leading to more risqué behavior.

"I think the earliest and most obvious sign that your partner has wandering eyes is when you catch them checking other people out," Figueroa tells Elite Daily. "The reality is that even the most faithful person in the world will notice when an attractive person enters their line of sight. It doesn’t make them more likely to cheat."

Now, if they're constantly drooling at others in your presence and it makes you feel uncomfortable, then there's nothing wrong with bringing it up. Even if it's awkward, you shouldn't have to pretend you're OK with something when you aren't. It's unrealistic to expect your partner to never check out a hottie for the entirety of your relationship, but asking them not to do it in your presence should be totally fair game.

According to Figueroa, having a "wandering eye" doesn't have to only be taken literally.

"You can have a wandering eye on social media just as easily as you could in person," says Figueroa. "If you notice a sudden surge in your partner following ridiculously attractive people [or] liking photos and comments that seem to be a bit risqué, [those are all signs] they’ve got a wandering eye."

But again, is this an actual problem? Well, Figeroa suggests looking at it in from a more pragmatic angle.

"Every cheater has a wandering eye, but that doesn’t mean that everyone who has a wandering eye is a cheater," explains Figueroa. "Tilting your head when someone attractive walks by is relatively harmless, but going out of your way to leave flirty comments on social media is not."

"You might find that your partner is starting to plan more and more events where they can interact with attractive single people when you’re not there," says Figueroa.

I'm not gonna lie, I'd be annoyed AF if my SO was going out of his way to set aside time to ogle hot people instead of just ogling me. Figueroa does note that "obvious ogling" is much more of a red-flag than "fleeting glances". That said, since there's no way to know for sure that they're going to an event just to look at hotties, pouncing on them for going places solo because there "could be hot people there" might not be the most productive way to address your concerns. Instead, it might be better to consider having a casual conversation about it.

"In the end, a wandering eye, whether it’s online or offline, is harmless on its own," says Figueroa. "A wandering eye isn’t a judgment of your attractiveness or a sign that your partner wants to cheat. It’s just an acknowledgment that other people are also attractive, as long as your partner isn’t acting on it."

Your feelings are totally valid, whatever they may be, so if your partner checking out other people upsets you, then yes. You absolutely can talk to them about it , and you shouldn't have to worry about them not responding well. A good partner will be receptive to anything you have to say. So if you're able to talk about your feels and address concerns in a non-accusatory way, this is almost always a good route to go.

Check out the “Best of Elite Daily” stream in the Bustle App for more stories just like this!

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Is There A Cure For Your Boyfriend's Wandering Eye?

What to do when your man's eyes linger a little too long on other women ....

By Susie & Otto Collins — Written on May 22, 2013

Are you sick and tired of being out with your boyfriend and having to watch him watch other women the whole time? You've tried to ignore it. You've glared at him, pursed your lips and sighed dramatically. You've even tried talking to him about this disrespectful habit of his ... and he still does it!

His gaze lingers on the backside of your server when you're out to eat together. He stares at the woman walking down the street wearing a low cut top and when you angrily demand that he stop, he claims he can’t help it. "It's just what guys do!"

He might even accuse you of making it all up. According to him, he's only innocently looking around the room and doing nothing wrong—you're just being jealous .

When your partner has a wandering eye, it's upsetting. It feels like he's neglecting you or that he'd rather look at another (presumably more attractive) woman than focus on you. It can be a big trigger if you get jealous easily and it can definitely drive a wedge between you and your partner.

But what can you do about it?

Is this behavior something your man just can't help, as he protests? The attitude that men can't control themselves when they're turned on—whether by their partners or a complete stranger—has been around for a long time and it's just not true. While there are biological (including hormonal) differences between men and women, there is nothing inherent in a man that makes him incapable of making conscious decisions about his actions and where he focuses his attention.

Does this mean he's a jerk or a sleaze because he looks at other women? Not necessarily.

It is natural and normal for anyone—a man or a woman—to notice another person who is attractive. Just because your partner looks, it doesn't mean he (or she) wants to or is going to cheat . It also doesn't mean that your partner thinks you are ugly or lacking in some way. 

At the same time, there is a difference between admiring another person and gawking, leering or staring, especially staring at particular parts of the other person's body. When your guy seems to be looking at another woman, question what you think you see. Is he truly just looking or is he crossing a line?

Stop the excuses.

First and foremost, when your partner is looking "too long" or inappropriately at another woman, don't let excuses take over (from him or in your mind). Don't use this as a reason for you to feel worse about what you believe are your "ugly" features or unattractive body size. And don't accept your partner's (or your own) rationalization that he "can't help it" or is "just being a guy."

Be specific.

The more you focus on specifics and the less you launch into blame and accusations the better. Yes, do talk with your partner about his staring, but don't condemn him or assume to know what his intentions are. You don't.

Identify his observable behaviors that you believe compromise trust. Say something like, "Yesterday, when we were at the pool together and you watched a woman in a bikini for several minutes, I felt angry and ignored." Let him know exactly what you are talking about and steer clear of generalizations such as, "You always check out other women!"

Try to talk more about what you do want and less on what you don't. Follow up your observation of his specific behavior with, "I like it when I know you’re listening to me." or "I feel more connected with you when you make eye contact with me."

If he is confused about what constitutes looking "too long" or inappropriately at other women, create some agreements. Talk about your expectations and listen to his. Come up with some ground rules you both can be okay with.

Choose what's best for you.

If you've repeatedly told your partner how you feel and asked him to stop behaving in ways that damage trust and your connection and he still has a wandering eye, consider whether you will  stay in or leave the relationship.

Ending your marriage or love relationship can be a very difficult decision to make so take the time to make sure your choice is based on facts and on what’s in alignment with what’s most important to you.

Still not sure what to do about your man who looks "too long" at other women? Get help with your jealousy and this tricky situation in our " Wandering Eyes " audio. www.nomorejealousy.com/WanderingEyes .

More boyfriend advice from YourTango:

• Which Breed Is Your Boyfriend?
• How To Make Your Boyfriend WANT To Move In With You
• Dating: Tips & Expert Advice

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It's completely natural for people to look at those they find attractive, whether they are in a loving, committed relationship or not. Often those fleeting glances at a pretty girl or a handsome guy go unnoticed and cause absolutely no harm whatsoever. It's when glancing turns into obvious ogling that the problems can start. If you are well aware of your boyfriend's wandering eye, he may be crossing a line. It takes a very secure, confident person not to be a little bothered when her partner ogles other women in front of her. While the temptation may be to scream at your boyfriend, you might achieve a better outcome if you handle it with a little more grace.

Seek a second opinion. Ask a relative or a trusted friend if she also thinks your boyfriend has a wandering eye. Consider the possibility that he is simply friendly and gregarious. If you are prone to jealousy in your relationship, you could be misinterpreting his behavior. Be honest with yourself and decide if you are overreacting, says psychiatrist Gail Saltz.

Consider the reason for your boyfriend's wandering eye. If there is a chance he is doing it for attention, think about how you treat him. If you take him for granted or don't show him enough love, try making more of an effort. Make time for him. Ask him about his day and how he's feeling. Pay attention to his answers. Be tactile and affectionate with him and make intimacy a priority.

Confront your boyfriend about his wandering eye if his behavior is becoming lewd or you suspect he might cheat on you, suggests Saltz. Stay calm. Tell him you understand that it is natural for him to look at people he finds attractive but that he has crossed a line. Say something like, "It makes me very uncomfortable when you stare at other women, and I'm asking you to please stop doing it." Let your boyfriend respond. He might not even have been aware of his wandering eye or may be oblivious to the hurt he was causing.

Help your boyfriend curb his wandering eye. If it's something he's been doing for a long time, it may take time to break the habit. Agree on a subtle signal for you to make if you notice he is doing it while you're out together, such as touching his elbow.

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• Cosmopolitan: Will Your Guy Cheat On You?
• Today Health: How Do I Handle My Husband's Wandering Eye?
• Psychology Today: Advice -- Ogling Other Women
• If your boyfriend is unable or unwilling to try to control his wandering eye, listen to your gut feeling and decide whether you can trust him or not. If you can't, it's time to move on and find a man who will focus his attention on you and not other women.

C. Giles is a writer with an MA (Hons) in English literature and a post-graduate diploma in law. Her work has been published in several publications, both online and offline, including "The Herald," "The Big Issue" and "Daily Record."

Photo Credits

Jupiterimages/BananaStock/Getty Images

Partner Who Has Wandering Eyes: Understanding And Dealing With The Behavior

A partner with wandering eyes consistently looks at and has sexual thoughts about others outside the current relationship. It can be a red flag, indicating a lack of emotional commitment. Communication and setting boundaries may help address the issue, but it’s important to evaluate if it’s a deal breaker for the relationship.

Table of Contents

In a romantic relationship, it can be disheartening and hurtful when your partner constantly gazes at other people. This behavior, known as “wandering eyes,” can undermine the trust and connection between partners. Wandering eyes refer to the habit of visually admiring or checking out other individuals, even though one is in a committed relationship.

The impact of this behavior is significant, as it can lead to feelings of insecurity, jealousy, and even emotional distance in the relationship. It can make the non-gazing partner feel unimportant or unattractive, leading to a breakdown in trust and emotional intimacy. Understanding and dealing with this behavior is crucial for maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

• To fully grasp the concept of wandering eyes and its effects on relationships, it is essential to define what it means and how it differs from harmless appreciation. Choosing the right partner is crucial to understanding relationship dynamics.
• Recognizing the impact of wandering eyes on relationships is the first step in addressing this behavior. Exploring the qualities of lasting relationships can provide insights into building a strong foundation based on trust and respect.

Understanding and dealing with a partner who has wandering eyes requires open and honest communication, setting boundaries, and nurturing a deep emotional connection. By acknowledging and addressing this behavior, couples can work together to strengthen their bond and create a loving and secure partnership.

Emotional commitment is a crucial aspect of any relationship, as it allows both partners to feel secure, loved, and valued. When a partner consistently has wandering eyes, it suggests that their focus and attention may be divided between their current partner and potential romantic interests. This behavior can create feelings of insecurity and mistrust, as it demonstrates a lack of wholehearted dedication to the relationship.

While open communication and setting boundaries can be effective ways to approach this issue, it’s important to assess whether the lack of emotional commitment is a deal breaker. Every individual and relationship is unique, and what may be acceptable to one person may not be to another. Some people may be willing to work through this challenge and find a resolution, whereas others may find it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship without the assurance of complete emotional commitment. Ultimately, it is essential to prioritize one’s own emotional well-being and make a decision that aligns with one’s values and needs.

Signs and Causes of Wandering Eyes

When it comes to relationships, we all want to feel valued and cherished by our partners. However, there are times when we may notice signs of wandering eyes in our partner, which can leave us feeling hurt and insecure.

Some common signs of wandering eyes include frequently looking at others in a flirtatious manner, making their partner aware of attractive people they come across, or openly checking out other individuals while spending time together.

The causes behind this behavior can vary. It may be a result of human nature and the natural inclination to notice beautiful people. For some, it may be harmless fun and merely an acknowledgment of attractiveness. However, for others, it can stem from a lack of respect and emotional connection within the relationship.

Regardless of the cause, it is important to address this behavior in a respectful way. Open and honest communication can help establish boundaries and foster a healthier relationship. Remember, a wandering eye doesn’t necessarily indicate infidelity, but it is essential to have a conversation to ensure both partners feel secure and valued.

Effects on the Relationship

Having a partner with wandering eyes can have a negative impact on a relationship. The constant checking out of other people can lead to trust issues, jealousy, and emotional distance.

When someone’s partner is constantly looking at others, it can create a lack of trust. The person may start to question their partner’s loyalty and faithfulness, wondering if they are being compared to others or if they are truly desired. This can create insecurity and a fear of being replaced.

Jealousy can also arise when a partner feels threatened by their significant other’s wandering eyes. Seeing their partner openly checking out other attractive individuals can make them feel inadequate or not good enough. It can create feelings of resentment and a sense of competition that can be detrimental to the relationship.

Furthermore, the emotional distance between partners can widen as a result of wandering eyes. When one person is constantly visually distracted by others, it can make their partner feel neglected or unimportant. This can lead to a lack of emotional connection and intimacy, causing the relationship to suffer.

In conclusion, having a partner with wandering eyes can cause trust issues, jealousy, and emotional distance in a relationship. It is important for both partners to address and communicate their feelings in order to overcome these challenges and maintain a healthy and fulfilling connection.

Communication and Setting Boundaries

Open communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. It allows partners to express their thoughts, feelings, and needs, and creates a safe space for understanding and compromise. When it comes to setting boundaries, effective communication is crucial. By clearly expressing our limits and expectations, we ensure that our partners understand and respect our boundaries.

Setting boundaries can be challenging, but it is a necessary step in maintaining a healthy and balanced relationship. Start by having an open and honest conversation with your partner about your boundaries. Clearly define what behaviors are acceptable and what are not. Remember, setting boundaries is not about controlling your partner, but about creating a mutually respectful and fulfilling partnership.

If you notice your partner’s wandering eyes, address the issue through communication. Express your feelings and concerns in a non-confrontational manner. Listen to their perspective and try to find a middle ground. By addressing the behavior openly and honestly, you can strengthen your connection and build trust.

Communication and setting boundaries go hand in hand in fostering a healthy relationship. By openly discussing your needs and concerns, and by respecting each other’s limits, you can create a strong foundation built on trust and understanding.

Building Trust and Strengthening the Relationship

Trust is a crucial foundation for any successful relationship. When issues related to wandering eyes arise, trust can be tested. It is important to understand that wandering eyes behavior does not necessarily indicate a lack of love or commitment. However, it can lead to feelings of insecurity and doubt. Rebuilding trust in a relationship requires open and honest communication, empathy, and a willingness to address the underlying issues.

One strategy for strengthening the bond with a partner after issues with wandering eyes is to have a heartfelt conversation. Share your feelings and concerns without blaming or accusing. Create a safe space for your partner to express their perspective as well. This open communication can help both partners reach a deeper understanding and rebuild trust.

Setting clear boundaries is another important strategy for building trust after wandering eyes behavior. Discuss what is acceptable and what makes you uncomfortable. By establishing these boundaries together, you can create a sense of security and minimize misunderstandings. It is important to remember that each relationship is unique, and boundaries may vary. Respect and honor each other’s boundaries to strengthen the trust between you.

In conclusion, building trust and strengthening the relationship after issues with wandering eyes behavior requires open communication, empathy, and setting clear boundaries. By addressing the underlying issues and working together, you can rebuild trust and create a stronger bond with your partner. Trust is the foundation that allows love and connection to flourish.

Is wandering eye a red flag?

A wandering eye in a relationship can be considered a red flag, as it often indicates a lack of commitment or respect towards one’s partner. It is important to communicate boundaries and address any concerns to maintain trust and strengthen the relationship.

Is a wandering eye a deal breaker?

Having a wandering eye, where someone looks at others with romantic interest while in a committed relationship, can be a significant concern. It may indicate potential issues like trust or commitment. While it varies for each individual, open communication and trust-building exercises can support a healthier relationship.

Why does my husband keep looking at other woman?

Your husband may be looking at other women out of curiosity, habit, or simply because he appreciates beauty. It is important to communicate openly and honestly about your feelings and establish boundaries that both of you are comfortable with. Trust and mutual understanding are key in addressing this situation.

How to handle your man looking at other woman in a relationship?

If your partner frequently looks at other women, it can be helpful to communicate your feelings and concerns. Find a calm moment to have an open and honest conversation about boundaries and respect within the relationship. Seek mutual understanding and work together to find a resolution.

In conclusion, dealing with a partner who has wandering eyes can be a challenging and emotionally turbulent journey. We have explored the signs and causes of this behavior, as well as the negative impact it can have on a relationship. Communication and setting boundaries play a crucial role in addressing the issue and rebuilding trust. It is important to remember that wandering eyes are not always indicative of infidelity, but rather a natural human tendency. Through open and honest conversation, couples can work towards understanding and finding a balance that respects both partners’ needs and emotions.

While the road may not always be easy, with proper communication and a commitment to building trust, it is possible to overcome the challenges that a wandering eye brings. Remember, no relationship is without its obstacles, but it is how we navigate through them that truly defines the strength of our connection.

As we conclude this discussion on dealing with a partner who has wandering eyes, it is crucial to acknowledge the importance of self-reflection and growth. We must strive to understand our own emotions and triggers, as well as our own expectations in relationships. It is through this self-awareness that we can cultivate healthier and more fulfilling partnerships.

For more insights on maintaining healthy relationships, you can explore the topic of unrealistic expectations in relationships or learn about the concept of dependence in relationship . Remember, understanding and support are key elements in nurturing and strengthening any relationship.

Thank you for joining us on this journey, and we hope that the information provided has been meaningful and helpful. May your relationships be filled with trust, understanding, and mutual growth.

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My partner ogles other women and it makes me feel unattractive

It’s not a petty problem, says Philippa Perry, because your feelings matter

The question My partner of three years is a kind, emotionally intelligent, interesting and handsome man. We are in our early 30s, which is possibly too old for the petty problem I am about to come to you with… He is always staring at other women! Whenever we are out and there are attractive women nearby, he will take a good look or worse, keep staring at them while we’re in a pub or something. Meanwhile, our conversation starts to dry up, because his focus is elsewhere.

I understand this is something that men do and have no problem with him doing so when I’m not there. Our relationship is long-distance, so the problem for me is more that he doesn’t think to put this on pause on the occasions we can be together, that I might notice or be upset by it, let alone that I’ve put a lot of work into looking nice for him. I don’t think he would cheat on me, but knowing that men are visual creatures and I am clearly not up to his standards in this department, makes me feel vulnerable to this possibility.

I am going to personal therapy and am trying to tackle decades-long self-esteem issues, but I’m not there yet. I know this is hardly a life-or-death problem, but for some reason it’s like a punch in the gut for me and I don’t want it to fester as I feel resentful.

Do you think it is unreasonable to talk to him about it? I am nervous , because he has suffered quite a lot of difficult life situations and tends to shut down the conversation if I’m talking about an issue he deems is not worth worrying about. In a sense, he’d be right about this, but I’m very stuck worrying about it.

Philippa’s answer It’s not a petty problem, because you feel it like “a punch in the gut”. So no, I don’t think it is unreasonable for you to tell your partner how his behaviour affects you. If you feel it to be worth worrying about, it is, whether or not he deems it so. He is not the arbiter of what feelings you should or should not be having. His propensity to stare at women might not be a habit he is even aware of having and it needs pointing out to him. The other women might not be all that keen about being stared at either.

With your “clearly not up to his standards in this department” statement, I think you are jumping to conclusions. When someone does something it is too easy to assume it means the same to them as it would to us if we did it. This dynamic was first brought to my attention in a couples counselling session when the wife said her husband didn’t love her because she had asked him to bring her some grapes when she was sick and he had forgotten. It didn’t mean he didn’t love her, it meant he had forgotten the grapes. Your boyfriend staring at women doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you attractive, it just means he’s staring at women.

I think your main problem may be your lack of entitlement. I want to give you permission to talk about whatever you want to talk about. We can all tell other people that when they do X, it makes us feel Y and we would prefer it if they did W. It doesn’t mean they’ll stop doing X, it’s just that they will know, if they are aware of doing X, that it is negatively affecting us. Changing a habit takes practice so you may have to remind him more than once that he’s hurting you when he does it.

It’s probably good to have this conversation for the first time when you feel calm and relaxed and not when he is staring at someone, because if you did it then, it might come out angry, which might make him defensive. You can say you know it’s not a crime to notice an attractive person, and looking isn’t like touching and you know he’s not leering in a crude way, so that he doesn’t feel attacked. You can explain how, when he goes beyond just noticing and stares, it makes you feel like you don’t match up, and also makes you feel unlovable, unattractive, insecure and vulnerable. And it doesn’t matter if he defends himself by saying that he does find you attractive, it isn’t convincing to you when he is staring at others.

You’ve told me that your partner is emotionally intelligent, so I’m guessing he is not ogling women because he has been taught some toxic masculinity like “real men treat women badly” and is just doing what he thinks is expected of him. His emotional intelligence needs to go as far as respecting your feelings and if he does, he will say sorry for hurting you and make an effort to stop the staring. If he ignores you, or gets angry, you are in a relationship where he is giving preferential treatment to his own feelings over yours and you might want to think about whether this is what you want long-term. Then you might consider being with someone who brings out the best in you rather than your insecurities.

Philippa Perry will be appearing at the Also Festival, 12-14 July 2024 ( also-festival.com )

Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to [email protected] . Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions

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The Wandering Eye and the Green-Eyed Monster

Blaming your partner for your own guilty conscience.

Posted November 11, 2017

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It may be romantic to whisper “I only have eyes for you” to your lover on a warm, starry night. You truly feel, in the moment, that you want no other person, nor will you ever want anyone else. The memes of modern culture have led us to believe that once we commit to someone, they should be the only person we’ll ever want. So when people in monogamous relationships find themselves being attracted to other potential partners—or worse yet, when they fantasize about a romantic encounter with another person—they often feel guilty.

One common strategy for assuaging guilt is projection . This is a psychological process in which you attribute your own feelings to another person. Let’s say you’re angry with your spouse for not keeping a promise, but you decide it’s too trivial to quarrel about. So you repress your anger , but then you think you hear a peevish tone in your partner’s voice. “What are you so angry about?” you demand, completely bewildering your significant other. Likewise, when we feel guilty, we sometimes project that guilt onto the victim.

Projection occurs because we have a tendency to think other people have the same wants and desires we do. Particularly in intimate relationships, we tend to think that the way we feel is how our partner feels as well. This kind of egocentric thinking can have both positive and negative consequences for a relationship.

Let’s take Bob and Carol, a newly married couple, as an example. When they were dating, they began seeing themselves as quite similar to each other, and this perception drew them closer and helped bind the relationship. They were confident committing to the marriage because each believed the other had the same long-term goals .

Ted and Alice, another newly married couple, are friends with Bob and Carol. Lately, Bob finds himself fantasizing about Alice, and this distresses him. Since they have so much in common, Bob reasons, Carol must also be fantasizing about Ted.

This line of reasoning led psychologists Angela Neal and Edward Lemay to wonder if they could detect projection of guilt in monogamous couples. Specifically, they had two hypotheses:

• When people in committed relationships find themselves attracted to or fantasizing about alternative romantic partners, they tend to project those thoughts and feelings onto their spouse.
• This projection will also lead people to feel more anger and engage in more negative behaviors toward their partner.

To illustrate these hypotheses with an example, consider a time when Bob fantasizes about an encounter with their friend Alice. He projects his feelings onto his wife Carol by thinking that she must be fantasizing about their friend Ted. This makes him angry, and so he starts criticizing her and acting selfishly. By blaming Carol, Bob relieves his own guilty feelings, but he also damages the relationship by punishing her for a transgression she hasn’t committed.

The researchers then recruited 96 heterosexual couples in long-term committed relationships for the study. Every evening for a week, each partner responded to a brief questionnaire. Specifically, the researchers measured the following variables:

• Anger. Each participant responded to the item “I felt angry today” on a 9-point scale, where 1 = “extremely disagree” and 9 = “extremely agree.”
• Negative behaviors. Each participant disclosed how critical, insulting, selfish, or cold they had acted toward their partner that day, using a similar 9-point scale.
• Own extra-relationship attraction . Each participant disclosed any romantic attraction towards or sexual fantasies about any other person besides their partner. The researchers also included a question about flirting .
• Perceived partner extra-relationship attraction. Finally, each participant responded to the statement “Today, my partner is interested in having a romantic or sexual encounter with someone else besides me,” using the same 9-point scale of agreement or disagreement.

Since each partner responded separately to these questions, the researchers could not only measure perceived attraction of the respondent’s partner toward others, they could also determine how accurate that perception was. In other words, the researchers found out how much Bob thought Carol was interested in Ted, but they also found out how much Carol really was interested in Ted as well. If Bob’s assessment of Carol’s straying eye is similar to her own report, this suggests accurate perception and not projection. However, if Bob’s assessment greatly exceeds Carol’s report on days when he also fantasized about Alice, then this suggests that projection took place.

The data clearly showed evidence of projection. On days when one partner fantasized about an encounter with another person, they tended to assume similar feelings on the part of their spouse. Furthermore, they tended to express more anger and engage in more negative behaviors toward their partner. Thus, when Bob projects his own wandering eye onto Carol and then punishes her for it, he is apparently trying to alleviate his own guilty feelings.

This study provides two take-home messages for couples in committed relationships. First, it’s important to separate thoughts from behaviors. The expectation that you’ll never have eyes for another person once you commit to your partner is simply unreasonable. It’s perfectly normal to find yourself attracted to people other than your mate, and there’s nothing wrong with fantasizing about illicit encounters, either. When these thoughts come to you unbidden, you should treat them as they are—mere fantasies and nothing else. Furthermore, you need to accord your partner that same freedom of thought.

Second, when that green-eyed monster rises within you, you need to carefully consider its source before acting on it. If all you have is a vague feeling your partner is straying without any concrete evidence, you’ll simply do more harm than good to the relationship if you punish them for their supposed transgression. And this is especially true when those jealous feelings are a response to the guilt you have for your own wandering eye.

Monogamy is not a nature state for humans, and a wandering eye is only to be expected. There’s nothing wrong with indulging in fantasies of torrid love affairs with other persons. Indeed, they can even rekindle the flame when the spark has gone out of an otherwise monotonous relationship.

Neal, A. M. & Lemay, E. P. (2017). The wandering eye perceives more threats: Projection of attraction to alternative partners predicts anger and negative behavior in romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1177/0265407517734398

David Ludden, Ph.D. , is a professor of psychology at Georgia Gwinnett College.

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How To Stop Your Wandering Eye: Every Man’s Battle

QUESTION: What do you do if you find someone attractive—other than your spouse? What if you find that you have a wandering eye?

If you find someone attractive, your first line of defense is a proper mind-set, which is this: This attraction threatens everything I hold dear.

It may not appear threatening early in the attraction, when everything seems innocent. Remember, though, that attractions grow quickly and can destroy your marriage. Even if your marriage manages to survive, at the very least the lurking will weaken the foundation of your marriage and rob your wife of your full captivation.

Your second line of defense is to declare, I have no right to think these things . State this to yourself clearly, decisively, and often. You don’t even know this woman; who are you to be attracted to her? Didn’t your Master give you your wife?

T he third line of defense is to heighten your alert.What do you normally do when you feel threatened? You take off your jacket and breathe deeply. You ready yourself for what’s coming.

Suppose you’re a bouncer at a dance club, checking I.D.s and tickets, joking with the customers. One night, five men in black leather loudly roar up on motorcycle, looking surly and arrogant. Would you relax and back away from the door? Not on your life. Without hesitation, you’d step up to the door and stand erect, ready to confront the threat.

Consider the old Star Trek television series. What did Captain Kirk do when danger approached? He cried out: Red alert! Shields up!

With your mind-set transformed, you won’t let her near the corral. The attraction will begin to starve, and she’ll drift back toward the horizon. How can you make sure this will happen?

BOUNCE YOUR EYES.

You saw her passing your corral, and you were physically attracted to her. Starve this attraction by bouncing your eyes (which means to “build a reflex action by training your eyes to immediately bounce away from the sexual, like the jerk of your hand away from the hot stove”). Don’t dwell on her beauty by stealing glances. Do this with zeal.

Sometimes this isn’t possible, but do it when you can. If she works with you, and the two of you are assigned to the same project, don’t ask her to eat lunch with you or offer her a ride home. Avoid opportunities that create positive experiences with her until the attraction phase dies. If she asks you to do something with her, excuse yourself.

WHEN YOU’RE IN HER COMPANY, PLAY THE DWEEB.

Our hero, Dweebman, steps into a nearby public rest room. He emerges as the polyester-clad enemy of all things flirtatious and hip. Dull, mild-mannered Dweebman—pocket protector shielding his heart and hair slightly askew—wages his quiet, thankless war of boring interchange. Our once-threatening Amazon withdraws to undefended sectors. This leaves Dweebman victorious again in his never-ending good fight to stave off the hip and the impure in his galactic empire!

Okay, there’s not that much glory in playing the dweeb. There’ll be no comic-book deals no endorsement deals, no 20/20 interviews with Barbara Walters, but you’ll be a hero to your wife and kids.

A dweeb is the opposite of a player. In relationships, players send and receive social signals smoothly. Dweebs do not. When a player wants to send attraction signals, there are certain things he’ll do. He’ll flirt, banter, and smile with a knowing look. He’ll talk about hip things. In short, he’ll be cool. You were a player at one time, and knew how to feed attractions. You spent your whole adolescence learning how.

Social Suicide

As a married man, however, a little social suicide is very much in order. Always play the dweeb. Players flirt… learn to un-flirt. Players banter… learn to un-banter. If a woman smiles with a knowing look, learn to smile with a slightly confused look, to un-smile. If she talks about things that are hip, talk about things are un-hip to her, like your wife and kids. She’ll find you pleasant enough but rather bland and uninteresting. Perfect.

Sometimes a woman’s attractiveness to you will be mental rather than physical. This is common in work environments as you work with women on projects that interest you both. In business it’s common to spend more hours per day with female coworkers than with your wife. You talk with them about common goals and achieving success, while all you and your wife talk about are the kids’ discipline problems, who’s going to change the dirty diapers, and bills, bills, bills.

As with physically attractive women, you must understand that if your shields aren’t up, and if you don’t recognize the threat to your marriage, you’re flirting with danger.

To summarize:

If you’re attracted to a woman, it doesn’t mean you may never again have any sort of relationship or friendship with her. It only means you must enact your defense perimeters. Once you’ve starved the attractions and she’s a safe distance away, you can have a proper relationship, one that is honoring to your wife and to the Lord.

You can also visit the web site that goes along with this book, Everymansbattle.com . They have some great articles on this web site that could minister to your needs in tremendous ways.

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Tagged: flirting , guard your heart

Filed under: Emotional & Physical Affair Sexual Issues

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60 responses to “ How To Stop Your Wandering Eye: Every Man’s Battle ”

Good Morning Everyone. My name is Ronelle and i am from South Africa. I have been going through a really turbulent two weeks. With my mum being sick and the whole atmosphere being so heavy at home. Prior to this have been a tough couple of years with the passing of my brother, my sister distancing herself from us, my dad leaving us and years later finding that he had ended up on the streets and just quite a bit of unfortunate things that have happened in our family life. there were often times where i would be so discouraged and say to my mum, “what more could God allow to happend to us” and my mum would say in almost a concerned tone for me not to say that, becuase it could be much worse, as many families lose so much each day. But these past two weeks have been so hard To the point of me actually considering giving up my Sunday School teaching in our local church. I just feel so depressed at times but so exhausted since i have two small kids to provide for as well and my mum who is in and out of depression herself. I joined the gym a while ago to help with the stress and refused the anti depressant medication. I also quite recently noticed my partner glancing at other women from time to time and although i know that it is normal, as most secular sites claim it to be, i wanted to know what Gods thoughts were on the issue and googled exactly that “What does God’s Word say about a wandering eye”. And this site came up. Thank God. The explanation of it all and how we really need to be accountable and take conscious action when we feel we are being tempted to do things that put our relationship in trouble. Thank you so much for this article. Something within my spirit refused to believe that we should just its a normal thing and that its normal if your husband has lustful thoughts as long as they dont touch. and that its crazy for the woman. wife to feel insecure and disrespected and should learn to accept it as part of life or move on.

I shared this with my partner and i was a bit nervous as to how he would repond. We are both born again believers. I thank God that he was open to listening to me read out the various points and afterward told me that he agrees with all that has been said. I told him that i do understand that for both of us it is normal to notice attractive people but to use these methods and train our minds and heart to submit under the authority of Christ and remember that He has blessed us with each other and we need to consciously work at driving out the worlds temptations. It was something that was adding to the things that worried me, but knowing that he acknowledges how it makes me feel and agrees with how we as a Godly couple should behave for God’s glory, each other and in the sight of our kids, just alleviated so much stress. I thank God for guiding me to your site. And i do know that just as He has delivered me from these fears and continues a good work in my life, He will heal and deliver my mum and family as well.

Thank you again for this article.

Lots of guys, including myself find ourselves glancing at other women. Fortunately I find my wife very attractive. I focus on her and those few special body parts & curves I really like. She wears yoga pants, plus she is almost 60!! When I pay attention to her, I notice others much less. So guys, pay attention to your wives, not others’ wives. Ladies, look good for your husband, make him notice you. throw away the house coat and jogging pants.

My fiancé of 19 years can learn from you. No matter how good I look or dress his eyes and mind still wonder on other women. Also he’s been divorced five times.

Maria, Could the “wandering eyes” on other women when he is pledged to marry you and the “five times” divorced situation give you a clue as to what might be facing you if you marry?

Wow! This gave me so much wisdom I need to stop having a wandering eye. I’m a married woman and even though this article is for men, it is right on point for women too. I will be a “dweeb”. I want to be faithful to God and my husband. Thank you.

I will agree wholeheartedly with 3 points in the article: YES learn to divert your eyes physically if you can’t trust yourself not to look with lust; YES avoid her when possible (and it isn’t always). When it’s not, have a coworker present. Leave your office door open. Don’t spend unnecessary time together, e.g., lunch, coffee after work. STAY FOCUSED on business.

“Playing the DWEEB” is about the stupidest idea I have ever heard. If she begins steering the conversation in an inappropriate direction, you can casually mention your wife/kids, etc. to remove any doubt about your being “off limits” (my best friend is the world’s best at this). If she still doesn’t get the hint, call her out on it directly, saying, “I’m sorry, but this conversation is inappropriate.”

But deliberately acting like a dork?!? That’s pathetic! Why would you want to act immature and juvenile? People will take notice of it and you will lose the respect of your co-workers and your boss. You will become a laughingstock. And rightly so. Be a man. Be mature. Be a professional and deal with it professionally.

Alan, I respectfully disagree w/second half of your comments. Particularly, “that’s pathetic” (Maybe so. But maybe not. You’re revealing a weakness in lack of understanding or empathy for those in such a forum as this. Your comment likely does more damage than good). Or maybe it’s not pathetic. Maybe it’s just the nature of being deeply in need. (People) In need of healing very deep emotional and mental wounds. Why deeply? I’m speaking of those who received abuse.

So, getting back to my point. Do you Alan, think victims of abuse can just flip a switch? What about those who were escaping life’s miseries by increasingly leaning on something to the point of obsession/addiction? Please consider these words. “Be mature, be a man”: this has a similar effect to the former. It’s bootstrap talk, which expects one to just flip-a-switch, to change not desirable behavior.

Perhaps, your recommendations are all thoughts and methods that you use. Perhaps you think they helped you. If you know someone in recovery, please avoid the putdowns and bootstrap talk. I hope you don’t badger them. Encourage their recovery. Best and blessings to you. Thank you.

Woman here. I’m having such a wandering eye these days. It’s so hard. I can’t seem to control it. I’m scared that I can’t be happy with my husband the rest of my life. I want other men. I pray daily for help. I feel no attraction for my husband anymore. I love him as a friend and companion and he’s a great person and a great father. I’m trying so hard to focus on all I do have. But this is making me depressed, to not feel desire for my husband. I could never hurt him though…..so I’m stuck in this sort of prison.

I completely understand his eyes looking at an attractive woman. But when the eyes go over, and over to the same places it becomes disrespectful to me. He keeps saying that he is very friendly, and likes to engage in conversation with man and woman alike. The flaw that I see with that thought is that if you are friendly, and want to engage in conversation, you don’t look to certain body parts to do so. I am frustrated, and not sure what to do.

I definitely like to interact and make aye contact with other women. I don’t know if that is flirting. I was fired from the same office my wife was working on because of that. I never felt I was and my wife didn’t know the reason why they let me go.

I really enjoy watching other women even if my wife is present. I don’t think that’s lack of respect either. She gets really upset and expresses her frustration; she also asked me to apologize at least, to what I normally reply that she should be the one to apologize because she looses her temper.

I don’t think I’m micro cheating, it’s just the way I am. My wife simply doesn’t understand. I don’t think I need help anyways.

Luis, I have to remind myself “eyes up”