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Carnival VIFP Club: How It Works, Benefits, and More

With millions of passengers sailing the cruise line each year, Carnival’s VIFP Club lists as one of the most popular loyalty programs in the industry. No matter your status, the program offers perks to being a member. And with it being free to join, why wouldn’t you take advantage?

Still, you might have questions regarding the program, how it works, and the benefits for members. Here’s everything to know about the VIFP program.

The basics are simple. For each day you sail, you earn points within the program. Sail more and you’ll earn more points, putting you in a higher status level. From there, each status level comes with more benefits for your cruise.

For more details about the program and answers to common questions, we have you covered below…

In This Article...

What Is the VIFP Club?

The VIFP Club is the loyalty program for Carnival Cruise Line . (VIFP stands for Very Important Fun Person.) As a member of the program, passengers earn points for each day that they cruise with Carnival. The more a person cruises, the more points they earn, which leads to a higher status level in the VIFP Club.

With higher status, a passenger earns perks and rewards, including everything from special fares to freebies on the ship to expedited boarding and much more.

Why Should I Join the VIFP Club?

When it comes to Carnival’s loyalty program, there is really no reason not to join. Membership is completely free and can only benefit you by providing rewards. It’s also simple to sign up. Since you are going to be cruising anyway (which is exactly how you earn points toward higher status), not being a part of the VIFP Club doesn’t make much sense.

How Do I Sign Up for the VIFP Club?

You can sign-up to register as a VIFP member on Carnival’s website , whether you’ve taken cruises in the past or never sailed before. It is free to join and takes just seconds to sign up. As well, you can get an account when you book your first cruise. Having trouble signing up? You can also call Carnival at 1-888-227-6482 to register.

How Do I Earn Points?

Earning points is simple. For each night that you cruise, you earn one point. So a seven-night cruise earns you seven points. Take a three-night trip? That’s three points. Over time the points you earn add together to increase your status in the program.

In addition, you may see other opportunities to earn points, possibly without taking a cruise. According to the VIFP Club’s terms and conditions, Carnival may “offer opportunities to earn extra VIFP Points through participation in different promotions, contests or sweepstakes.”

The most common and reliable way to earn by far, however, is to sail on the cruise line.

Do I Earn Points for Booked Cruises?

No, points are earned for sailed nights only. So if you sailed a seven-day cruise last summer and have a five-day cruise booked for next year, then you will only have seven points as a member, not 12.

Do I Earn More Points for Spending More on a Room?

While you might think you’d earn higher status for spending more money on your cruise, that’s not the case. Whether you a sailing in an interior cabin or a top-of-the-line suite, they both earn you one point per day for your VIFP status.

That’s not to say that Carnival couldn’t do something like award double points to suite guests as an incentive to book a higher-grade cabin. For now at least, even if you book the cheapest room on the ship or the best cabin available, you’ll earn points just like everybody else aboard.

Do VIFP Club Points Expire or Does the Status Level Drop?

At least right now, VIFP Club points don’t expire. So if you earn 25 points within the program but then don’t sail for a few years, you’ll still have the same point level and status as before. This is different than loyalty programs like with airlines where the points you earn often “drop off” after a length of time. If you’ve earned Gold status, then you don’t have to worry about being dropped back to Red status just because you don’t sail for a while.

So even if you are only an occasional cruiser or only sail Carnival sometimes, there’s still a reason to be a member and rack up those rewards.

What Status Levels Are There in the Carnival VIFP Club?

Within the club, there are five different status levels for passengers to earn. Each is known by a color, which is shown as the background of your Sail & Sign card. (Around the ship, you might see people showing off their status with their card in a lanyard!)

Blue (First Sailing) : This status is earned on a person’s first cruise. It’s where everyone starts.
Red (Second Sailing-24 Points) : Earned from a second Carnival sailing through 24 points.
Gold (25-74 Points) : Gold membership is awarded to those with 25-74 points in the VIFP Club.
Platinum (75-199 Points) : The second-highest status, Platinum is awarded for 75-199 points.
Diamond (200+ Points) : Have more than 200 nights sailed? That earns Carnival’s highest status of Diamond level.

What Are the VIFP Club Benefits?

As you would expect, different membership levels provide different benefits. The higher your status, the more benefits you earn.

The good news is that no matter your status there are benefits to enjoy. You don’t have to be a Diamond member to get a freebie.

Perks and rewards range from a free bottle of water in your room to priority check-in/boarding, Carnival souvenir gifts, collectible pins, priority debarkation, and priority reservations.

Do I Get Special Fares for Being a Member?

Yes. As a VIFP member, you will often see pricing that is different from the headline prices advertised to the general public.

One thing to watch, however, is that we have personally seen rates actually be higher with the VIFP number entered than when searching without. While we are far from Diamond members, it was strange to see the higher rates. That’s why we would suggest searching with and without the club number entered, just to be sure you’re getting the best rate.

What If I Reach a New Status During a Cruise?

Say you have 20 nights sailed, giving you Red status in the VIFP Club, but you are embarking on a seven-night cruise. At the end of the cruise, you’ll have 27 points, enough to be granted Gold status.

In this case, Carnival grants passengers the higher status at the start of the cruise. So while you board with 20 points, you’ll still be given the Gold status at the start of the trip, giving you extra benefits.

According to Carnival’s website:

“Notwithstanding the foregoing, in the event a Member books a Cruise in which such Member will attain the necessary VIFP Points to reach a new Level during or by the end of such Cruise (a “Crossover Cruise”), CCL may, in its sole discretion, offer such Member the Benefits offered to Members of the higher Level during the Crossover Cruise.”

What If I Have a Past Cruise Without Points?

Typically points are automatically applied to your account within 14 points of the end of the trip. Passengers normally don’t have to do anything.

There might be times where points don’t apply automatically or there might be cruises you took in the past that haven’t been added. In that case, you can login into your Carnival account. From there, click on “My Cruises” and scroll down to “Claim a Past Cruise”. Enter your information about your missing cruise, and it will be reviewed to add the trip to your VIFP profile.

Is Carnival’s VIFP Club Worth Joining?

The VIFP loyalty program doesn’t offer a ton of benefits until reaching Platinum status, which is reached only after 75 nights of sailing. Even so, there are some benefits to joining at lower levels. For instance, even Red status members receive a complimentary bottle of water in the cabin that would otherwise be a charge.

That said, given it’s free to join, there’s no real reason not to sign up. At the very least you can get a few freebies, while passengers that sail Carnival regularly can see some even bigger perks.

So in our opinion, it’s definitely worth joining Carnival’s VIFP Club. We don’t see a downside.

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Bonsai Sushi and Bonsai Teppanyaki: Carnival Cruise Line's Japanese restaurants (with menus)

When my husband and I took our first Carnival cruise 17 years ago on Carnival Conquest, the sushi completely won us over. At the time, the ship had a pop-up station that served small plates of fresh (and free) sushi and sake for a limited time before dinner. It was one of the highlights of our cruise, and when the line rolled out the permanent for-fee Bonsai Sushi restaurant in 2012, we were over the moon.

Today, Carnival's onboard sushi offering has extended to include a takeaway sushi venue and a teppanyaki-style restaurant on many ships. Whether your Carnival ship features a Bonsai Sushi, Bonsai Sushi Express or Bonsai Teppanyaki, I wholeheartedly encourage you to check it out.

Here's everything you need to know, from what's on the menu to which ships feature the popular sushi outposts.

For more cruise news, reviews and tips, sign up for TPG's cruise newsletter .

What are Carnival's Bonsai Sushi and Bonsai Teppanyaki?

Bonsai Sushi is an extra-charge a la carte sushi restaurant. The line launched the venue on Carnival Breeze in 2012, and today, it's on 15 Carnival ships. It opens for lunch at noon (on sea days) and for dinner at 5 p.m. (on sea days and port days).

Select ships without a Bonsai Sushi outpost feature a Bonsai Sushi Express takeaway counter. The condensed menu features shrimp, salmon and yellowfin tuna sushi or sashimi and four rolls — California, spicy tuna, bang bang Bonsai and tempura. You'll find a Bonsai Sushi Express on Carnival Conquest, Carnival Elation, Carnival Freedom, Carnival Luminosa, Carnival Miracle and Carnival Paradise.

Bonsai Teppanyaki, Carnival's first Japanese teppanyaki-style restaurant, debuted on Carnival Horizon in 2018.

As with land-based teppanyaki-style dining, the experience is part dinner and part theater. The restaurant features teppanyaki chefs who prepare tableside dishes with a dramatic flourish of knives and spatulas, often flinging food about for effect. It's a fun show, and kids usually go bananas over it.

The restaurant is intimate, with just two or three cooking stations that seat about 16 (depending on the ship), so you'll want to make reservations early.

Carnival Bonsai Sushi and Carnival Bonsai Teppanyaki menus

The Bonsai Sushi menu features starters like wagyu short ribs with caramelized onion and teriyaki sauce and a refreshing Bonsai noodle salad with ginger, sake, cold rice noodles, tomatoes, mushrooms and a chilled tomato dressing.

One of my favorite rolls here is the tempura roll with fried shrimp, cucumber, yuzu mayo, avocado and Bonsai Sushi sauce. Anther personal favorite is the California roll which is filled with crab, avocado, cucumber, sesame and tobiko mayo. My daughter orders the spicy tuna roll without fail — spicy tuna, tempura flakes, asparagus, tobiko, Yukon gold potato straws and spicy mayo.

You can also pair your meal with a Japanese beer, a glass of wine or sake.

As with land-based teppanyaki-style restaurants, the Bonsai Teppanyaki menu includes a choice of miso soup or salad, starters like teppanyaki white shrimp or pork belly yakitori, and a variety of protein options for your entree. Choose among teriyaki salmon, shichimi spiced grilled chicken, filet mignon, lobster, black cod and grilled tofu.

Can't decide? Opt for one of the combinations — shrimp and spiced grilled chicken or a filet mignon paired with shrimp, salmon or lobster tail.

What does it cost to eat at Bonsai Sushi and Bonsai Teppanyaki?

A la carte prices at Bonsai Sushi range from $1.50 (per piece) for sushi or sashimi to $22 for the "Ship for 2" chef special; this includes miso soup, a side salad, two rolls and six pieces of sushi.

Bonsai Teppanyaki is priced at a flat $38 per person for lunch and $42 per person for dinner.

Which Carnival ships have Bonsai Sushi and Bonsai Teppanyaki?

Bonsai Sushi is currently on 15 Carnival ships — Carnival Breeze, Carnival Celebration, Carnival Dream, Carnival Horizon, Carnival Jubilee, Carnival Legend, Carnival Panorama, Carnival Pride, Carnival Radiance, Carnival Spirit, Carnival Sunrise, Carnival Sunshine , Carnival Venezia, Carnival Vista and Carnival Mardi Gras.

You'll find Bonsai Teppanyaki on six Carnival vessels — Carnival Jubilee , Carnival Celebration, Mardi Gras, Carnival Venezia , Carnival Panorama and Carnival Horizon.

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Carnival Cruise Card Colors Guide (Tiers and Perks EXPLAINED!)

Wondering about the color-coded Sail & Sign cards and perks of the VIFP Club on your Carnival Cruise? From Blue to Diamond, each tier represents a new level of benefits and rewards.

Explore the meaning behind each color, the point ranges, and how to activate your membership to make the most of your vacation.

Table of Contents

Carnival Cruise Card Color Basics

Purpose of the cruise card.

When you embark on a Carnival Cruise, you’ll be given a Sail & Sign card in a specific color. This card serves multiple purposes during your vacation.

Designed with both convenience and recognition in mind, the cruise card acts as your room key, payment method for onboard purchases, and identification for getting on and off the ship.

On top of that, the color of your card indicates your status in Carnival’s VIFP (Very Important Fun Person) Club.

Understanding Different Colors

As you cruise with Carnival and accumulate vacation days, you’ll advance through their VIFP Club and earn corresponding card colors.

Each color represents a different tier in the program, offering various benefits and perks for your loyalty.

To make sense of these colors, here’s a brief rundown:

Blue : This is the color you’ll receive on your first-ever Carnival cruise. It signifies that you are a cruise rookie and have yet to accumulate any VIFP Points.
Red : Once you have 2-24 VIFP Points under your belt, you’ll be upgraded to the Red tier card. This color reflects your second Carnival cruise and beyond, up until you reach 25 VIFP Points.
Gold : When you earn 25-74 VIFP Points, your Sail & Sign card will turn Gold in color, highlighting your growing Carnival experience and earned recognition.
Platinum : By accumulating 75 or more VIFP Points, you’ll receive a Platinum card, an indication of your significant time spent cruising with Carnival.
Diamond : This is the ultimate achievement for Carnival cruisers. To reach the prestigious Diamond tier, you need to have cruised with Carnival for an impressive amount of time, achieving the required VIFP Points as specified by Carnival’s program.

Keep in mind that every day you spend on a Carnival cruise earns you one VIFP Point, helping you rise through the ranks of the club and earn increasingly exclusive benefits.

As you progress, you’ll reap the rewards of your loyalty, enjoying a variety of perks, such as priority boarding, reserved seating, and even complimentary laundry services.

Card Color Tiers

Blue Tier – First-Time Cruisers

As a first-time Carnival cruiser, you will receive a blue Sail & Sign card, automatically registering you in the VIFP Club program.

However, the Blue tier of the program provides minimal benefits, with only two available: access to exclusive cruise offers for members and receipt of a members-only electronic newsletter.

This card is unique because you only get the blue card once. After your initial cruise, you’ll move up to the next tier – the Red Tier.

Red Tier – Second Cruise and Beyond

After your first cruise, you’ll enter the Red Tier of the VIFP Club program. This tier applies to your second cruise and up to 24 points.

Your Sail & Sign card will change to red, indicating your new status.

The Red tier, on the other hand, offers the same two benefits as the Blue tier, along with an additional one: a free, one-liter bottle of water that will be delivered to your cabin during sailings. However, it’s best not to consume it all at once.

As you continue to sail with Carnival, you’ll accumulate more points and advance through the tiers.

Gold Tier – 25 to 74 Days At Sea

Once you reach 25 points, you’ll enter the Gold Tier and your Sail & Sign card will be in gold color.

This tier covers 25 to 74 points or days at sea with Carnival.

With the Gold tier, you get a complimentary drink that can only be ordered on the final night of a cruise, but this perk is only available for cruises lasting five nights or more.

We believe that Carnival’s decision to limit the free drink to the last night of the cruise is an excessive measure to deter customers from availing it.

Additionally, Gold level members receive a Gold VIFP pin on each sailing.

Platinum Tier – 75 to 199 Days At Sea

Upon reaching 75 points, you’ll move up to the Platinum Tier. Your Sail & Sign card will now be platinum colored, representing 75 to 199 points or days at sea.

This tier provides even more exclusive benefits, making your cruise experience even more enjoyable.

To sum it up, reaching the Platinum level grants you priority status from the moment you step onto the ship until the moment you disembark.

This is a significant advantage. Priority boarding enables you to board the ship faster than other passengers, allowing you to enjoy its amenities for a longer period on your first day.

Moreover, priority access to restaurant reservations ensures that you secure the best table times.

Diamond Tier – 200 Days or More At Sea

Finally, when you’ve spent 200 or more days at sea with Carnival, you’ll reach the highest tier – Diamond.

Your Sail & Sign card will now be diamond colored, and you’ll enjoy the best benefits and privileges available to VIFP Club members.

As a Diamond Tier member, your dedication and loyalty to Carnival are truly rewarded.

You get a complimentary cabin upgrade or the offer of free sailing for third and fourth passengers that come with achieving Diamond status. However, disappointingly this benefit is only available once.

Another noteworthy but one-time-only perk of Diamond status is a free meal for two at a specialty restaurant of your choosing.

Carnival Cruise Card Privileges

Exclusive Offers and Perks

As a member of Carnival’s VIFP Club, you’ll enjoy exclusive offers and perks that enhance your cruising experience.

As you move up through the different card colors, you’ll unlock even more benefits. The higher your tier, the more you’ll gain access to exceptional services and opportunities.

Keep an eye out for members-only promotions and join the VIFP Club today to start enjoying these advantages.

Discounts and Priority Services

Your Sail & Sign card makes your cruise smoother and more convenient. With it, you can enjoy various discounts and priority services on board. Carnival Cruise Line offers different card colors to help identify your level in their VIFP Club.

This means the more you cruise with Carnival, the more benefits you’ll be eligible for. For instance, higher-tiered members receive attractive discounts on spa treatments, internet packages, and shore excursions.

Plus, you’ll love the priority boarding, check-in, and embarkation processes that make your cruise experience even more seamless.

Onboard Benefits and Amenities

In addition to discounts and priority services, your card color signifies the onboard benefits and amenities that come with being a loyal Carnival cruiser.

Starting at the Blue tier, you’ll receive a complimentary welcome drink on your first day aboard.

As you progress to Red level, you’ll get a complimentary one-liter bottle of water in your cabin. The higher your tier gets, the more impressive your perks will become.

Each status level introduces new and exciting benefits to make your Carnival Cruise vacation truly memorable.

Remember to take the time to activate your VIFP Club membership at least eight weeks before your next sailing.

By doing so, you’ll ensure you receive the appropriate card color, reflecting your membership level and unlocking all the fabulous privileges that come with it.

Do I Earn Points For Booked Cruises?

Yes, you do earn points for booked cruises! As a member of Carnival’s VIFP Club, you’ll receive one VIFP Point for every day you’re at sea (aka cruise day).

This means that if you take a seven-night cruise, you’ll earn seven points.

You don’t have to worry about different earning levels for different cabin categories or types of bookings. It’s a simple one-to-one ratio – 1 VIFP Point equals 1 Cruise Day.

However, please note that certain charter sailings and nonrevenue fares may not earn you any points.

As you accumulate points, you’ll advance through the various levels of the VIFP (Very Important Fun Person) Club:

Blue : Cruise Rookies
Red : 2-24 VIFP Points
Gold : 25-74 VIFP Points
Platinum : 75-199 VIFP Points
Diamond : 200+ VIFP Points

Your VIFP status will advance on your next cruise after reaching the required number of points.

The higher you go, the more benefits you’ll enjoy, such as priority boarding, complimentary laundry service, and more.

How To Find Your Carnival VIFP Number

To find your Carnival VIFP number, head to the Carnival Cruise Line website and log in to your account. You have to use the email address associated with your cruises to ensure you see the correct information.

If you haven’t created an account yet, you’ll need to do so by providing your past booking details and setting up a username and password.

Once you’ve logged in, look for your name in the top right corner and click on it. This will take you to your VIFP profile page, where you can manage your account and cruise information. You’re one step away from finding your VIFP number now.

Here comes the fun part. Click on the “My Cruises” section of your profile. This is where you’ll see a list of your previous and upcoming cruises, as well as any associated points.

Take a moment to review your cruise history and, more importantly, locate your VIFP number. It should be displayed prominently on this page, near your name and current status.

If, for some reason, you’re unable to find your VIFP number on the website, there’s still an option to retrieve it.

You can call Carnival’s customer service and provide your booking history details. They’ll assist you in locating your VIFP number, ensuring you don’t miss out on any of those fantastic benefits.

Remember, your VIFP number is your ticket to unlocking a world of rewards and recognition within the Carnival family.

Do I Get Special Fares For Being A Member?

While there are no specific discounts or reduced fares tied directly to the VIFP Club membership, you can still reap various benefits that can enhance your overall cruise experience based on the club’s different tier levels.

First off, remember that joining the VIFP Club is free and membership never expires. As soon as you join, you start earning points for every Carnival cruise you take.

Over time, these points will help you climb the club’s tiers – starting at Blue, followed by Red, Gold, Platinum, and Diamond levels.

Each tier comes with its own set of perks, some of which can indeed help you save money.

For example, after you complete your first sailing, you’ll be able to take advantage of members-only promotions that offer better deals on select cruises.

One way to earn additional rewards and save on your future cruises is by using the Carnival World Mastercard.

This card allows you to earn FunPoints when making purchases. These points can be redeemed for statement credits towards your next cruise or towards any onboard expenses such as shore excursions.

In fact, using the card for a Carnival shore excursion earns you a 10% statement credit, saving you a bit on your travel activities.

While there might not be direct, across-the-board fare discounts for being a member, the rewards, offers, and benefits you can access through the VIFP Club and Carnival World Mastercard will undoubtedly help make your Carnival cruise experience more rewarding and budget-friendly.

What Kind Of Cruise Deals Will I Receive With The VIFP Program?

With the Carnival VIFP Club, you’ll experience a loyalty program that rewards you for your continued vacation adventures.

As you accumulate points, you’ll progress through various status levels, each with their own perks and benefits to enhance your cruising experience.

Upon joining the VIFP Club, you’ll automatically be placed at the Blue level, which kicks in the moment you step on board your first Carnival cruise.

As a Blue member, you’ll have access to member-only fares and promotions, making it easier for you to start planning your next ocean getaway.

Even as a newbie, it’s nice to know that you’re recognized from your very first sailing.

As you continue sailing with Carnival, you’ll earn more VIFP points and progress through the Red (second sailing to 24 points), Gold (25 to 74 points), Platinum (75 to 199 points), and finally, the Diamond level (200 or more points).

The higher your status, the better the vacation deals you’ll receive, such as discounts on future cruises, priority boarding, room upgrades, and more.

Keep in mind that the number of VIFP points you accumulate is determined by the number of days you sail. This means that each day you’re on a Carnival cruise counts toward your point total.

Therefore, longer cruises or frequent shorter getaways will both contribute to your VIFP status and bring you closer to unlocking more amazing deals and perks.

The more you sail, the better the deals get, enabling you to make the most of your time on board and enjoy your cruising experience to the fullest.

And don’t forget that these benefits apply to everyone in your family or party who cruises with Carnival, making it a fantastic way for all to share in the excitement of your well-deserved ocean adventures!

What If I Have A Past Cruise Without Points?

Sometimes, you might have cruised with Carnival before the VIFP Club was introduced or in the early days when the recognition program had not yet started tracking points.

In these cases, you may be wondering if you can still earn points for those past cruises to improve your membership tier and get better perks during your future voyages.

First, let’s clarify the rules about earning points. You earn VIFP Points for all qualifying Carnival cruises from March 9, 1972, onwards. Non-qualifying cruises include charter cruises and non-revenue cruises.

If you’ve found that a past cruise with Carnival is not reflected in your VIFP Club account, don’t worry.

You can still receive points for past cruises by providing proof of your cruise history with Carnival.

To do this, start gathering any documentation you may have from that specific sailing, such as boarding passes, reservation confirmations, or even photographs from the cruise.

If you have sailed with sister cruise lines, such as Princess, your travel agent may have secured past passenger rates that Carnival does not account for since they occurred before 1990.

After collecting the necessary proof, contact Carnival’s customer service team and request to add the missing points to your account.

Be prepared to share your documentation and be patient, as it might take some time for the team to update your account and allocate the appropriate points.

Once your past cruise points have been added to your VIFP Club account, your membership tier may be updated accordingly – Blue for your first sailing, Red for 2-24 points, Gold for 25-74 points, Platinum for 75-199 points, and Diamond for 200 or more points.

With every tier upgrade, you unlock new perks and benefits that will make your future cruise even more enjoyable.

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Carnival Freedom returns to cruising within 2 weeks of funnel fire

Passengers aboard burning cruise not expected to see refund.

James Sparvero , Reporter

PORT CANAVERAL, Fla. – Less than two weeks since a cruise ship caught on fire, the Carnival Freedom returned to sailing Thursday.

On March 23 in the Bahamas, passengers took video of the ship’s funnel burning after it was believed to have been struck by lightning.

It was the second time in two years that the ship’s funnel caught fire.

Like the May 2022 fire, Carnival will also have to replace its signature ‘whale tail’ at the top of the funnel, which was burned again.

[EXCLUSIVE: Become a News 6 Insider (it’s FREE) | PINIT! Share your photos ]

Thursday, passengers talked to News 6 reporter James Sparvero about boarding the ship for its first cruise to the Bahamas since the fire.

Cornelia Marshall was traveling with friends from Birmingham, Alabama.

“We put it in God’s hands,” she said. “I mean, that was an act of mother nature. There’s nothing you can do about it.”

Thursday, Carnival said it was still investigating a possible lightning strike as the cause of the fire.

Marshall and her friends also weren’t concerned about the ship catching on fire two years earlier.

“You know, when life gives you lemons, just take tequila shots because we’re coming on the cruise,” Marshall said.

Another group of passengers said they were unhappy that Carnival didn’t tell them about the March 23 incident.

Kelin Sorto from Philadelphia said she found out there was a fire from her Uber driver, who brought her family to the port.

“That’s my only concern because how fast can they fix that problem?” she said. “They assured us that it’s secure. Hopefully, it is. We’re just trying to have fun.”

Carnival refunded passengers for the two canceled cruises, but if you were on the cruise that caught on fire and you’re still expecting a refund, you won’t be getting one.

A statement from Carnival reads, “We’re very proud of the Carnival Freedom team for keeping everyone safe and still delivering a full cruise to the guests who were on board. We appreciate our guests for their cooperation and support.”

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About the Author

James sparvero.

James joined News 6 in March 2016 as the Brevard County Reporter. His arrival was the realization of a three-year effort to return to the state where his career began. James is from Pittsburgh, PA and graduated from Penn State in 2009 with a degree in Broadcast Journalism.

Your Guide to Receiving Your Carnival Sail and Sign Card in a Timely Manner

Alex Morgan

The Carnival Sail and Sign card is a key component of the Carnival Cruise experience, serving as a multi-purpose card for everything from accessing your stateroom to making onboard purchases. For first-time cruisers or those unfamiliar with the system, understanding when you will receive your Sail and Sign card is important to ensure a smooth embarkation process.

Timing of Card Delivery can vary depending on several factors. In most cases, you will receive your Sail and Sign card during the check-in process at the cruise terminal. Online Check-in and Early Card Options may be available, allowing you to receive your card in advance. This will depend on the cruise line’s policies and your individual booking.

Once onboard, the Sail and Sign card becomes your key to all onboard activities and services. It serves as your identification and link to your onboard account, which is used for all purchases throughout the ship. Understanding the key features and functions of the card, such as linking payment information and identification, is essential to maximizing its convenience during your cruise.

In the event that you haven’t received your Sail and Sign card, it is important to contact customer support immediately. The cruise line’s customer service team can assist in resolving any issues and ensuring that you receive a replacement card, if needed.

To make the most of your Carnival Sail and Sign card, there are a few tips and recommendations to keep in mind. Keeping the card secure by keeping it with you at all times and protecting it from damage is crucial. Monitoring card charges regularly to track your onboard expenses and setting a daily spending limit can help you stay within your budget during the cruise.

By understanding the process of receiving your Carnival Sail and Sign card, knowing how to use it effectively, and taking necessary steps in case of any issues, you can ensure a seamless and enjoyable cruise experience.

Key takeaway:

The Carnival Sail and Sign Card maximizes convenience: This card serves as your identification, room key, and onboard payment method, eliminating the need for carrying multiple items while on the cruise.
Delivery of the Carnival Sail and Sign Card: The card is typically delivered to your cabin on the day of embarkation, ensuring you have it as soon as you board the ship. Online check-in and early card options may also be available.
Utilizing the Carnival Sail and Sign Card: The card allows you to link your payment information and easily make purchases onboard, simplifying transactions. It is important to keep the card secure, monitor charges, and consider setting a daily spending limit for budgeting purposes.

When Will I Receive My Carnival Sail and Sign Card?

Get ready to set sail on an amazing Carnival cruise adventure! Wondering when you’ll get your hands on that all-important Carnival Sail and Sign card? In this section, we’ll uncover the timing of card delivery, explore online check-in and early card options, and find out how to collect the card at the port . So, hold tight and let’s dive into the details of when you’ll receive your Carnival Sail and Sign card!

Timing of Card Delivery

The timing of card delivery for the Carnival Sail and Sign Card is crucial for passengers. Here are the important details to note:

1. During check-in: Passengers receive the Sail and Sign Card at the port during the check-in process. This occurs after they have completed the necessary paperwork and identification.

2. Early card options: Passengers who complete online check-in before their cruise may have the opportunity to receive their Sail and Sign Card earlier. They can choose either early check-in or have the card mailed to their home address before the cruise.

It is important to note that the timing of card delivery can vary depending on the cruise line policies, destination, and exceptional circumstances. Passengers should consult the cruise line or visit their official website for specific information regarding the delivery of the Sail and Sign Card for their cruise.

To understand the significance of the Sail and Sign Card, it is useful to look at its historical context. Introduced by Carnival Cruise Line in 1990, this card revolutionized the onboard experience for passengers. By replacing cash transactions and providing access to onboard services, it greatly improved the cruise experience. Over time, the timing of card delivery has been continuously enhanced to ensure a smooth check-in process and enhance the overall cruise experience.

Online Check-in and Early Card Options

When it comes to Online Check-in and Early Card Options for the Carnival Sail and Sign Card , there are a few key points to remember.

– Online check-in: Carnival Cruise Line offers Online Check-in to speed up the embarkation process. Passengers can provide necessary information, such as personal details and payment preferences, before arriving at the port.

– Early card options: By completing the Online Check-in process, passengers can also choose to receive their Sail and Sign Card earlier. The card will be available for pick-up at the port during specified times, allowing for a smoother boarding experience.

– Benefits of early card pick-up: Opting for Early Card Pick-up ensures that passengers have their Sail and Sign Card ready before boarding the ship. This card acts as identification, a cabin key, and a payment method during the cruise.

Having the Sail and Sign Card early allows passengers to start enjoying the ship’s amenities right away, without any delays or last-minute arrangements.

During my recent Carnival cruise, I took advantage of the Online Check-in and Early Card Options . Completing the check-in process ahead of time allowed me to breeze through the boarding process at the port. I received my Sail and Sign Card early, which meant I could start exploring the ship and enjoying all it had to offer without any hassle. The convenience of having everything ready beforehand enhanced my overall cruise experience.

Collecting the Card at the Port

When collecting your Carnival Sail and Sign card at the port, follow these steps:

Add Arrive at the designated collection area.
Add Have your identification and booking information ready.
Add Wait in line, maintaining social distancing.
Add Provide necessary information to the staff.
Add Verify your identity and booking information.
Add Collect your Carnival Sail and Sign card.
Add Double-check the information on the card.
Add Keep the card in a secure place, such as a wallet or lanyard.
Add Carry your Carnival Sail and Sign card at all times during the cruise.

By following these steps, you can collect your Carnival Sail and Sign card at the port and be ready to enjoy your cruise!

How Does the Carnival Sail and Sign Card Work?

Navigating the ins and outs of the Carnival Sail and Sign Card can be like discovering a hidden treasure on your cruise adventure. In this section, we’ll unravel the mysteries and shed light on how this magical card works its wonders. Get ready to dive into the key features and functions that make this card a must-have companion onboard. We’ll also explore how it seamlessly links your payments and identification , ensuring a smooth sailing experience. And of course, we’ll uncover the endless possibilities of card usage throughout your entire voyage. So, let’s embark on this journey together and unlock the secrets of the Carnival Sail and Sign Card!

Key Features and Functions

The key features and functions of the Carnival Sail and Sign Card are:

1. Onboard Identification: The card serves as your identification while onboard the ship.

2. Cabin Key: The card also acts as the key to your cabin, providing easy access to your room.

3. Payment Method: The Sail and Sign Card is linked to your onboard account and can be used to pay for onboard purchases, including drinks , meals , and entertainment .

4. Onboard Account Management: You can use the card to check your account balance, view transactions, and settle your final bill at the end of the cruise.

5. Personalization: The card can be personalized with your name and photo, making it unique to you.

6. Easy to Use: The Sail and Sign Card is designed for convenience and user-friendliness. It allows you to navigate the ship easily and make purchases without cash or credit cards.

Did you know? The Carnival Sail and Sign Card is trusted and used by millions of passengers each year as a reliable form of identification and payment on Carnival cruise ships.

Linking Payment and Identification

To seamlessly link payment and identification with your Carnival Sail and Sign Card, please follow the following steps:

1. During the online check-in process, kindly provide your credit card information. This will effectively link your payment method to your Sail and Sign Card.

2. To activate your card and verify your identification, we request you to visit either a kiosk or the Guest Services desk on board the ship. This crucial step ensures that the card is securely linked to your account.

3. For convenience and cashless transactions, all you have to do when making purchases on board is present your Sail and Sign Card . This multifunctional card acts as both your identification and payment method.

4. Any charges incurred with the Sail and Sign Card during your cruise will be automatically billed to the credit card you linked during the online check-in.

By integrating payment and identification, the Carnival Sail and Sign Card simplifies the entire on-board experience, eliminating the need for cash or multiple cards. This not only provides a secure and efficient way to make purchases but also facilitates easy identification throughout your cruise.

Real-life example:

John , a first-time cruiser, initially had reservations about the convenience of linking payment and identification on his Sail and Sign Card. After following the uncomplicated steps and experiencing the ease of conducting cashless transactions, he was thoroughly impressed. Not only did it streamline his on-board purchases, but it also offered him peace of mind by securely connecting his identification and payment. This allowed John to fully enjoy his cruise without any concerns about losing his wallet or dealing with cash.

Card Usage on the Ship

The Carnival Sail and Sign Card offers a convenient and hassle-free way to use the card on the ship.

One important aspect to keep in mind is that the card serves as your room key granting you access to your cabin during the entire cruise.

It doubles as your identification and is necessary when disembarking at ports of call .

The card also allows you to make purchases on board including food, drinks, and merchandise .

It can be seamlessly linked to your onboard account for easy payment and transactions .

The card is widely accepted at various venues on the ship such as restaurants, bars, shops, and entertainment establishments .

It can even be used to purchase excursions and spa services , adding to the convenience.

It is crucial to keep the card safe and treat it like cash in order to avoid any unauthorized charges .

A useful tip is to regularly check your card charges through your onboard account to ensure accuracy and efficiently manage your expenses.

What Should I Do If I Haven’t Received My Carnival Sail and Sign Card?

Having trouble getting your Carnival Sail and Sign Card? Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered! In this section, we’ll explore what steps you need to take if you haven’t received your Sail and Sign Card yet. From reaching out to customer support to getting a replacement card, we’ll make sure you’re well-prepared for a smooth sailing experience. So let’s dive in and find out how to handle this issue like a pro!

Contacting Customer Support

If you need to contact customer support regarding your Carnival Sail and Sign Card , follow these steps:

1. Log in to your online account: Make sure to check for any updates or notifications regarding your card.

2. Find Carnival Cruise Line’s customer support contact information: You can locate this on their official website or in any communication from them.

3. Gather necessary details: When reaching out to customer support, have your booking information and personal details on hand. This will help them locate your reservation and address the issue more efficiently.

4. Clearly explain the situation: State that you have not received your Sail and Sign Card and request assistance in resolving the issue.

5. Follow the instructions provided: Customer support will guide you through the necessary steps based on your specific situation. They may suggest obtaining a replacement card at the port or offer alternative solutions.

Remember to maintain patience and politeness when communicating with customer support. Provide all the required information and carefully follow their instructions. Keep a copy of your booking confirmation and any relevant correspondence for future reference.

Receiving a Replacement Card

To ensure you receive a replacement card, follow these steps:

1. If you haven’t received your Carnival Sail and Sign card, contact customer support. They will assist you in resolving the issue and provide a replacement card.

2. Provide customer support with all necessary information, including your booking details and identification, to expedite the process.

3. Customer support will guide you through the next steps, which may involve verifying your identity and address.

4. Depending on the circumstances, customer support will either mail the replacement card or provide it at the port when you board the ship.

5. Carefully follow the instructions from customer support to ensure a smooth process for receiving your replacement card.

6. It is essential to have your replacement card before boarding the ship as it grants you access to amenities and onboard purchases.

7. Keep the replacement card secure and carry it with you at all times during your cruise.

8. Should you encounter any issues or have questions, don’t hesitate to contact customer support for assistance.

By receiving a replacement card, you can fully enjoy your Carnival cruise experience.

Tips and Recommendations for Using the Carnival Sail and Sign Card

Navigate the world of Carnival cruise experiences with ease by utilizing the Carnival Sail and Sign Card. Discover invaluable tips and recommendations for making the most of this essential cruise accessory. From keeping the card secure to monitoring charges and even setting a daily spending limit, this section arms you with the knowledge needed to optimize your Carnival Sail and Sign Card experience. So, get ready to embark on a worry-free voyage filled with convenience and peace of mind.

Keeping the Card Secure

Keeping the Carnival Sail and Sign Card secure is essential to protect your personal information and prevent unauthorized charges. Here are some tips to help you do just that:

Make sure to store the card in a safe place when it’s not in use, like a secure wallet or designated cardholder.
It’s crucial not to share the card or any of its details with anyone.
Avoid writing down or sharing your card PIN to maintain its security.
Regularly monitor your card statement to spot any unfamiliar or unauthorized charges.
If you lose your card or suspect any unauthorized activity, immediately report it to Carnival customer support.
When using your card in public places, be cautious and ensure that your transaction details remain hidden from others.
Always double-check the payment amount before authorizing the transaction for onboard purchases.
If you have any concerns about the security of your card or encounter any issues, seek assistance from Carnival customer support.

By following these suggestions, you can ensure the security of your Carnival Sail and Sign Card and enjoy a worry-free cruise experience.

Monitoring Card Charges

When using the Carnival Sail and Sign Card, it is essential to monitor your card charges carefully and ensure accuracy to avoid any surprises. Here are some vital points to consider when monitoring your card charges:

Regularly check your onboard account: Make it a habit to review your onboard account regularly to keep track of charges and transactions made with your Sail and Sign Card. This will help you manage your expenses efficiently and identify any discrepancies that may arise.
Utilize the Carnival Hub App: To conveniently keep an eye on your onboard account, download the Carnival Hub App on your smartphone. This app allows you to monitor charges effortlessly without the need to visit a guest services desk.
Thoroughly review your final statement: Before disembarking from the ship, take the time to carefully review your final statement. This statement provides a detailed breakdown of all the charges and payments made during your cruise. It is your last opportunity to ensure accuracy and address any concerns you may have.
Immediately report any issues: If you come across any discrepancies or unauthorized charges on your Sail and Sign Card, don’t hesitate to report them to guest services or the ship’s customer support as soon as possible. They will assist you in resolving the issue and provide any necessary refunds.

By following these steps, you can effectively monitor your card charges and ensure the accurate use of your Carnival Sail and Sign Card throughout your cruise.

Setting a Daily Spending Limit

Setting a daily spending limit with your Carnival Sail and Sign Card is crucial for effective expense management on the ship. Once you receive your Carnival Sail and Sign Card , access your account through the onboard account management system. Locate the section specifically designed to allow you to set a daily spending limit for your card. Take the time to carefully choose the maximum amount you feel comfortable spending per day during your cruise. Before finalizing your selection, double-check the chosen spending limit to ensure its accuracy. To ensure you stay within your set limit, it is essential to regularly monitor your account balance and expenses. If necessary, you can adjust your daily spending limit during the cruise by revisiting the account management system. By setting a daily spending limit with your Carnival Sail and Sign Card , you can effectively stay within your budget and avoid any unnecessary overspending on the ship.

Some Facts About When Do I Get My Carnival Sail And Sign Card:

✅ The Sail and Sign card is given to all guests upon boarding the Carnival cruise ship.
✅ The Sail and Sign card can be used immediately upon boarding for onboard purchases and gratuities.
✅ Guests can check their Sail and Sign account balance at any time through Guest Services, a Sail and Sign kiosk, or Carnival’s HUB app.
✅ Guests can open a Sail and Sign account using credit cards, debit cards, cash, or traveler’s checks.
✅ On the last morning of the cruise, a statement detailing all purchases made with the Sail and Sign card is delivered to guest staterooms.

Frequently Asked Questions

When do i receive my carnival sail and sign card.

The Carnival Sail and Sign card is provided to all guests upon boarding the ship. It is valid for immediate use, allowing you to make purchases and enjoy onboard amenities.

What are the different levels of the VIFP loyalty program?

The VIFP (Very Important Fun Person) loyalty program offered by Carnival Cruise Line has different levels based on your cruise experience. The levels include Blue, Red, Gold, Platinum, and Diamond, each offering increasing benefits and perks.

What perks and benefits are offered at each level of the VIFP program?

The perks and benefits offered at each level of the VIFP program are as follows:

Blue Card: The first level, serves as a memento of your first Carnival cruise.
Red Card: Complimentary 1.5-liter bottle of water on each cruise after completing 24 nights.
Gold Card: Appreciation drink on cruises of 5 nights or more and a Gold VIFP pin badge on every cruise after cruising for 25 nights.
Platinum Card: Priority check-in and boarding, complimentary drinks and parties, unique pins, and free gifts on every cruise after cruising for 75 nights.
Diamond Card: Unlimited laundry, priority reservations at specialty restaurants, a one-time complimentary meal, and the option to have a third and fourth guest sail for free after cruising for 200 nights.

How can I activate my Sail and Sign account on a Carnival cruise?

To activate your Sail and Sign account on a Carnival cruise, you can use credit cards, debit cards, cash, or traveler’s checks. If using a credit or debit card, an initial bank hold is placed on the account. Cash or traveler’s checks can be used at the Guest Services desk on the first day of the cruise.

Can I use a debit card for money transactions with my Sail and Sign card?

Yes, you can use a Visa or MasterCard debit card for money transactions with your Sail and Sign card. It is one of the accepted forms of payment for opening and adding funds to your onboard account.

How can I check the balance on my Sail and Sign card during the cruise?

You can check the balance on your Sail and Sign card at any time by visiting Guest Services, using a Sail and Sign kiosk, or utilizing Carnival’s HUB app. It is recommended to regularly monitor your balance to ensure you are aware of your spending and available funds.

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Man accused of molesting 13-year-old girl on carnival cruise.

Chris Gothner , Digital Journalist

MIAMI – An Indiana man is facing charges in South Florida after police accused him of molesting a teenage girl on a Carnival cruise.

Police arrested Jason LeFavour, 44, of Indianapolis, on Friday after the Carnival Conquest returned to PortMiami.

About the Author

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Chris Gothner joined the Local 10 News team in 2022 as a Digital Journalist.

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photo of Icon of the Seas, taken on a long railed path approaching the stern of the ship, with people walking along dock

Crying Myself to Sleep on the Biggest Cruise Ship Ever

Seven agonizing nights aboard the Icon of the Seas

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Updated at 2:44 p.m. ET on April 6, 2024.

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MY FIRST GLIMPSE of Royal Caribbean’s Icon of the Seas, from the window of an approaching Miami cab, brings on a feeling of vertigo, nausea, amazement, and distress. I shut my eyes in defense, as my brain tells my optic nerve to try again.

The ship makes no sense, vertically or horizontally. It makes no sense on sea, or on land, or in outer space. It looks like a hodgepodge of domes and minarets, tubes and canopies, like Istanbul had it been designed by idiots. Vibrant, oversignifying colors are stacked upon other such colors, decks perched over still more decks; the only comfort is a row of lifeboats ringing its perimeter. There is no imposed order, no cogent thought, and, for those who do not harbor a totalitarian sense of gigantomania, no visual mercy. This is the biggest cruise ship ever built, and I have been tasked with witnessing its inaugural voyage.

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“Author embarks on their first cruise-ship voyage” has been a staple of American essay writing for almost three decades, beginning with David Foster Wallace’s “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again,” which was first published in 1996 under the title “Shipping Out.” Since then, many admirable writers have widened and diversified the genre. Usually the essayist commissioned to take to the sea is in their first or second flush of youth and is ready to sharpen their wit against the hull of the offending vessel. I am 51, old and tired, having seen much of the world as a former travel journalist, and mostly what I do in both life and prose is shrug while muttering to my imaginary dachshund, “This too shall pass.” But the Icon of the Seas will not countenance a shrug. The Icon of the Seas is the Linda Loman of cruise ships, exclaiming that attention must be paid. And here I am in late January with my one piece of luggage and useless gray winter jacket and passport, zipping through the Port of Miami en route to the gangway that will separate me from the bulk of North America for more than seven days, ready to pay it in full.

The aforementioned gangway opens up directly onto a thriving mall (I will soon learn it is imperiously called the “Royal Promenade”), presently filled with yapping passengers beneath a ceiling studded with balloons ready to drop. Crew members from every part of the global South, as well as a few Balkans, are shepherding us along while pressing flutes of champagne into our hands. By a humming Starbucks, I drink as many of these as I can and prepare to find my cabin. I show my blue Suite Sky SeaPass Card (more on this later, much more) to a smiling woman from the Philippines, and she tells me to go “aft.” Which is where, now? As someone who has rarely sailed on a vessel grander than the Staten Island Ferry, I am confused. It turns out that the aft is the stern of the ship, or, for those of us who don’t know what a stern or an aft are, its ass. The nose of the ship, responsible for separating the waves before it, is also called a bow, and is marked for passengers as the FWD , or forward. The part of the contemporary sailing vessel where the malls are clustered is called the midship. I trust that you have enjoyed this nautical lesson.

I ascend via elevator to my suite on Deck 11. This is where I encounter my first terrible surprise. My suite windows and balcony do not face the ocean. Instead, they look out onto another shopping mall. This mall is the one that’s called Central Park, perhaps in homage to the Olmsted-designed bit of greenery in the middle of my hometown. Although on land I would be delighted to own a suite with Central Park views, here I am deeply depressed. To sail on a ship and not wake up to a vast blue carpet of ocean? Unthinkable.

Allow me a brief preamble here. The story you are reading was commissioned at a moment when most staterooms on the Icon were sold out. In fact, so enthralled by the prospect of this voyage were hard-core mariners that the ship’s entire inventory of guest rooms (the Icon can accommodate up to 7,600 passengers, but its inaugural journey was reduced to 5,000 or so for a less crowded experience) was almost immediately sold out. Hence, this publication was faced with the shocking prospect of paying nearly $19,000 to procure for this solitary passenger an entire suite—not including drinking expenses—all for the privilege of bringing you this article. But the suite in question doesn’t even have a view of the ocean! I sit down hard on my soft bed. Nineteen thousand dollars for this .

selfie photo of man with glasses, in background is swim-up bar with two women facing away

The viewless suite does have its pluses. In addition to all the Malin+Goetz products in my dual bathrooms, I am granted use of a dedicated Suite Deck lounge; access to Coastal Kitchen, a superior restaurant for Suites passengers; complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream (“the fastest Internet at Sea”) “for one device per person for the whole cruise duration”; a pair of bathrobes (one of which comes prestained with what looks like a large expectoration by the greenest lizard on Earth); and use of the Grove Suite Sun, an area on Decks 18 and 19 with food and deck chairs reserved exclusively for Suite passengers. I also get reserved seating for a performance of The Wizard of Oz , an ice-skating tribute to the periodic table, and similar provocations. The very color of my Suite Sky SeaPass Card, an oceanic blue as opposed to the cloying royal purple of the standard non-Suite passenger, will soon provoke envy and admiration. But as high as my status may be, there are those on board who have much higher status still, and I will soon learn to bow before them.

In preparation for sailing, I have “priced in,” as they say on Wall Street, the possibility that I may come from a somewhat different monde than many of the other cruisers. Without falling into stereotypes or preconceptions, I prepare myself for a friendly outspokenness on the part of my fellow seafarers that may not comply with modern DEI standards. I believe in meeting people halfway, and so the day before flying down to Miami, I visited what remains of Little Italy to purchase a popular T-shirt that reads DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL across the breast in the colors of the Italian flag. My wife recommended that I bring one of my many T-shirts featuring Snoopy and the Peanuts gang, as all Americans love the beagle and his friends. But I naively thought that my meatball T-shirt would be more suitable for conversation-starting. “Oh, and who is your ‘daddy’?” some might ask upon seeing it. “And how long have you been his ‘little meatball’?” And so on.

I put on my meatball T-shirt and head for one of the dining rooms to get a late lunch. In the elevator, I stick out my chest for all to read the funny legend upon it, but soon I realize that despite its burnished tricolor letters, no one takes note. More to the point, no one takes note of me. Despite my attempts at bridge building, the very sight of me (small, ethnic, without a cap bearing the name of a football team) elicits no reaction from other passengers. Most often, they will small-talk over me as if I don’t exist. This brings to mind the travails of David Foster Wallace , who felt so ostracized by his fellow passengers that he retreated to his cabin for much of his voyage. And Wallace was raised primarily in the Midwest and was a much larger, more American-looking meatball than I am. If he couldn’t talk to these people, how will I? What if I leave this ship without making any friends at all, despite my T-shirt? I am a social creature, and the prospect of seven days alone and apart is saddening. Wallace’s stateroom, at least, had a view of the ocean, a kind of cheap eternity.

Worse awaits me in the dining room. This is a large, multichandeliered room where I attended my safety training (I was shown how to put on a flotation vest; it is a very simple procedure). But the maître d’ politely refuses me entry in an English that seems to verge on another language. “I’m sorry, this is only for pendejos ,” he seems to be saying. I push back politely and he repeats himself. Pendejos ? Piranhas? There’s some kind of P-word to which I am not attuned. Meanwhile elderly passengers stream right past, powered by their limbs, walkers, and electric wheelchairs. “It is only pendejo dining today, sir.” “But I have a suite!” I say, already starting to catch on to the ship’s class system. He examines my card again. “But you are not a pendejo ,” he confirms. I am wearing a DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL T-shirt, I want to say to him. I am the essence of pendejo .

Eventually, I give up and head to the plebeian buffet on Deck 15, which has an aquatic-styled name I have now forgotten. Before gaining entry to this endless cornucopia of reheated food, one passes a washing station of many sinks and soap dispensers, and perhaps the most intriguing character on the entire ship. He is Mr. Washy Washy—or, according to his name tag, Nielbert of the Philippines—and he is dressed as a taco (on other occasions, I’ll see him dressed as a burger). Mr. Washy Washy performs an eponymous song in spirited, indeed flamboyant English: “Washy, washy, wash your hands, WASHY WASHY!” The dangers of norovirus and COVID on a cruise ship this size (a giant fellow ship was stricken with the former right after my voyage) makes Mr. Washy Washy an essential member of the crew. The problem lies with the food at the end of Washy’s rainbow. The buffet is groaning with what sounds like sophisticated dishes—marinated octopus, boiled egg with anchovy, chorizo, lobster claws—but every animal tastes tragically the same, as if there was only one creature available at the market, a “cruisipus” bred specifically for Royal Caribbean dining. The “vegetables” are no better. I pick up a tomato slice and look right through it. It tastes like cellophane. I sit alone, apart from the couples and parents with gaggles of children, as “We Are Family” echoes across the buffet space.

I may have failed to mention that all this time, the Icon of the Seas has not left port. As the fiery mango of the subtropical setting sun makes Miami’s condo skyline even more apocalyptic, the ship shoves off beneath a perfunctory display of fireworks. After the sun sets, in the far, dark distance, another circus-lit cruise ship ruptures the waves before us. We glance at it with pity, because it is by definition a smaller ship than our own. I am on Deck 15, outside the buffet and overlooking a bunch of pools (the Icon has seven of them), drinking a frilly drink that I got from one of the bars (the Icon has 15 of them), still too shy to speak to anyone, despite Sister Sledge’s assertion that all on the ship are somehow related.

Kim Brooks: On failing the family vacation

The ship’s passage away from Ron DeSantis’s Florida provides no frisson, no sense of developing “sea legs,” as the ship is too large to register the presence of waves unless a mighty wind adds significant chop. It is time for me to register the presence of the 5,000 passengers around me, even if they refuse to register mine. My fellow travelers have prepared for this trip with personally decorated T-shirts celebrating the importance of this voyage. The simplest ones say ICON INAUGURAL ’24 on the back and the family name on the front. Others attest to an over-the-top love of cruise ships: WARNING! MAY START TALKING ABOUT CRUISING . Still others are artisanally designed and celebrate lifetimes spent married while cruising (on ships, of course). A couple possibly in their 90s are wearing shirts whose backs feature a drawing of a cruise liner, two flamingos with ostensibly male and female characteristics, and the legend “ HUSBAND AND WIFE Cruising Partners FOR LIFE WE MAY NOT HAVE IT All Together BUT TOGETHER WE HAVE IT ALL .” (The words not in all caps have been written in cursive.) A real journalist or a more intrepid conversationalist would have gone up to the couple and asked them to explain the longevity of their marriage vis-à-vis their love of cruising. But instead I head to my mall suite, take off my meatball T-shirt, and allow the first tears of the cruise to roll down my cheeks slowly enough that I briefly fall asleep amid the moisture and salt.

photo of elaborate twisting multicolored waterslides with long stairwell to platform

I WAKE UP with a hangover. Oh God. Right. I cannot believe all of that happened last night. A name floats into my cobwebbed, nauseated brain: “Ayn Rand.” Jesus Christ.

I breakfast alone at the Coastal Kitchen. The coffee tastes fine and the eggs came out of a bird. The ship rolls slightly this morning; I can feel it in my thighs and my schlong, the parts of me that are most receptive to danger.

I had a dangerous conversation last night. After the sun set and we were at least 50 miles from shore (most modern cruise ships sail at about 23 miles an hour), I lay in bed softly hiccupping, my arms stretched out exactly like Jesus on the cross, the sound of the distant waves missing from my mall-facing suite, replaced by the hum of air-conditioning and children shouting in Spanish through the vents of my two bathrooms. I decided this passivity was unacceptable. As an immigrant, I feel duty-bound to complete the tasks I am paid for, which means reaching out and trying to understand my fellow cruisers. So I put on a normal James Perse T-shirt and headed for one of the bars on the Royal Promenade—the Schooner Bar, it was called, if memory serves correctly.

I sat at the bar for a martini and two Negronis. An old man with thick, hairy forearms drank next to me, very silent and Hemingwaylike, while a dreadlocked piano player tinkled out a series of excellent Elton John covers. To my right, a young white couple—he in floral shorts, she in a light, summery miniskirt with a fearsome diamond ring, neither of them in football regalia—chatted with an elderly couple. Do it , I commanded myself. Open your mouth. Speak! Speak without being spoken to. Initiate. A sentence fragment caught my ear from the young woman, “Cherry Hill.” This is a suburb of Philadelphia in New Jersey, and I had once been there for a reading at a synagogue. “Excuse me,” I said gently to her. “Did you just mention Cherry Hill? It’s a lovely place.”

As it turned out, the couple now lived in Fort Lauderdale (the number of Floridians on the cruise surprised me, given that Southern Florida is itself a kind of cruise ship, albeit one slowly sinking), but soon they were talking with me exclusively—the man potbellied, with a chin like a hard-boiled egg; the woman as svelte as if she were one of the many Ukrainian members of the crew—the elderly couple next to them forgotten. This felt as groundbreaking as the first time I dared to address an American in his native tongue, as a child on a bus in Queens (“On my foot you are standing, Mister”).

“I don’t want to talk politics,” the man said. “But they’re going to eighty-six Biden and put Michelle in.”

I considered the contradictions of his opening conversational gambit, but decided to play along. “People like Michelle,” I said, testing the waters. The husband sneered, but the wife charitably put forward that the former first lady was “more personable” than Joe Biden. “They’re gonna eighty-six Biden,” the husband repeated. “He can’t put a sentence together.”

After I mentioned that I was a writer—though I presented myself as a writer of teleplays instead of novels and articles such as this one—the husband told me his favorite writer was Ayn Rand. “Ayn Rand, she came here with nothing,” the husband said. “I work with a lot of Cubans, so …” I wondered if I should mention what I usually do to ingratiate myself with Republicans or libertarians: the fact that my finances improved after pass-through corporations were taxed differently under Donald Trump. Instead, I ordered another drink and the couple did the same, and I told him that Rand and I were born in the same city, St. Petersburg/Leningrad, and that my family also came here with nothing. Now the bonding and drinking began in earnest, and several more rounds appeared. Until it all fell apart.

Read: Gary Shteyngart on watching Russian television for five days straight

My new friend, whom I will refer to as Ayn, called out to a buddy of his across the bar, and suddenly a young couple, both covered in tattoos, appeared next to us. “He fucking punked me,” Ayn’s frat-boy-like friend called out as he put his arm around Ayn, while his sizable partner sizzled up to Mrs. Rand. Both of them had a look I have never seen on land—their eyes projecting absence and enmity in equal measure. In the ’90s, I drank with Russian soldiers fresh from Chechnya and wandered the streets of wartime Zagreb, but I have never seen such undisguised hostility toward both me and perhaps the universe at large. I was briefly introduced to this psychopathic pair, but neither of them wanted to have anything to do with me, and the tattooed woman would not even reveal her Christian name to me (she pretended to have the same first name as Mrs. Rand). To impress his tattooed friends, Ayn made fun of the fact that as a television writer, I’d worked on the series Succession (which, it would turn out, practically nobody on the ship had watched), instead of the far more palatable, in his eyes, zombie drama of last year. And then my new friends drifted away from me into an angry private conversation—“He punked me!”—as I ordered another drink for myself, scared of the dead-eyed arrivals whose gaze never registered in the dim wattage of the Schooner Bar, whose terrifying voices and hollow laughs grated like unoiled gears against the crooning of “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.”

But today is a new day for me and my hangover. After breakfast, I explore the ship’s so-called neighborhoods . There’s the AquaDome, where one can find a food hall and an acrobatic sound-and-light aquatic show. Central Park has a premium steak house, a sushi joint, and a used Rolex that can be bought for $8,000 on land here proudly offered at $17,000. There’s the aforementioned Royal Promenade, where I had drunk with the Rands, and where a pair of dueling pianos duel well into the night. There’s Surfside, a kids’ neighborhood full of sugary garbage, which looks out onto the frothy trail that the behemoth leaves behind itself. Thrill Island refers to the collection of tubes that clutter the ass of the ship and offer passengers six waterslides and a surfing simulation. There’s the Hideaway, an adult zone that plays music from a vomit-slathered, Brit-filled Alicante nightclub circa 1996 and proves a big favorite with groups of young Latin American customers. And, most hurtfully, there’s the Suite Neighborhood.

2 photos: a ship's foamy white wake stretches to the horizon; a man at reailing with water and two large ships docked behind

I say hurtfully because as a Suite passenger I should be here, though my particular suite is far from the others. Whereas I am stuck amid the riffraff of Deck 11, this section is on the highborn Decks 16 and 17, and in passing, I peek into the spacious, tall-ceilinged staterooms from the hallway, dazzled by the glint of the waves and sun. For $75,000, one multifloor suite even comes with its own slide between floors, so that a family may enjoy this particular terror in private. There is a quiet splendor to the Suite Neighborhood. I see fewer stickers and signs and drawings than in my own neighborhood—for example, MIKE AND DIANA PROUDLY SERVED U.S. MARINE CORPS RETIRED . No one here needs to announce their branch of service or rank; they are simply Suites, and this is where they belong. Once again, despite my hard work and perseverance, I have been disallowed from the true American elite. Once again, I am “Not our class, dear.” I am reminded of watching The Love Boat on my grandmother’s Zenith, which either was given to her or we found in the trash (I get our many malfunctioning Zeniths confused) and whose tube got so hot, I would put little chunks of government cheese on a thin tissue atop it to give our welfare treat a pleasant, Reagan-era gooeyness. I could not understand English well enough then to catch the nuances of that seafaring program, but I knew that there were differences in the status of the passengers, and that sometimes those differences made them sad. Still, this ship, this plenty—every few steps, there are complimentary nachos or milkshakes or gyros on offer—was the fatty fuel of my childhood dreams. If only I had remained a child.

I walk around the outdoor decks looking for company. There is a middle-aged African American couple who always seem to be asleep in each other’s arms, probably exhausted from the late capitalism they regularly encounter on land. There is far more diversity on this ship than I expected. Many couples are a testament to Loving v. Virginia , and there is a large group of folks whose T-shirts read MELANIN AT SEA / IT’S THE MELANIN FOR ME . I smile when I see them, but then some young kids from the group makes Mr. Washy Washy do a cruel, caricatured “Burger Dance” (today he is in his burger getup), and I think, Well, so much for intersectionality .

At the infinity pool on Deck 17, I spot some elderly women who could be ethnic and from my part of the world, and so I jump in. I am proved correct! Many of them seem to be originally from Queens (“Corona was still great when it was all Italian”), though they are now spread across the tristate area. We bond over the way “Ron-kon-koma” sounds when announced in Penn Station.

“Everyone is here for a different reason,” one of them tells me. She and her ex-husband last sailed together four years ago to prove to themselves that their marriage was truly over. Her 15-year-old son lost his virginity to “an Irish young lady” while their ship was moored in Ravenna, Italy. The gaggle of old-timers competes to tell me their favorite cruising stories and tips. “A guy proposed in Central Park a couple of years ago”—many Royal Caribbean ships apparently have this ridiculous communal area—“and she ran away screaming!” “If you’re diamond-class, you get four drinks for free.” “A different kind of passenger sails out of Bayonne.” (This, perhaps, is racially coded.) “Sometimes, if you tip the bartender $5, your next drink will be free.”

“Everyone’s here for a different reason,” the woman whose marriage ended on a cruise tells me again. “Some people are here for bad reasons—the drinkers and the gamblers. Some people are here for medical reasons.” I have seen more than a few oxygen tanks and at least one woman clearly undergoing very serious chemo. Some T-shirts celebrate good news about a cancer diagnosis. This might be someone’s last cruise or week on Earth. For these women, who have spent months, if not years, at sea, cruising is a ritual as well as a life cycle: first love, last love, marriage, divorce, death.

Read: The last place on Earth any tourist should go

I have talked with these women for so long, tonight I promise myself that after a sad solitary dinner I will not try to seek out company at the bars in the mall or the adult-themed Hideaway. I have enough material to fulfill my duties to this publication. As I approach my orphaned suite, I run into the aggro young people who stole Mr. and Mrs. Rand away from me the night before. The tattooed apparitions pass me without a glance. She is singing something violent about “Stuttering Stanley” (a character in a popular horror movie, as I discover with my complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream Internet at Sea) and he’s loudly shouting about “all the money I’ve lost,” presumably at the casino in the bowels of the ship.

So these bent psychos out of a Cormac McCarthy novel are angrily inhabiting my deck. As I mewl myself to sleep, I envision a limited series for HBO or some other streamer, a kind of low-rent White Lotus , where several aggressive couples conspire to throw a shy intellectual interloper overboard. I type the scenario into my phone. As I fall asleep, I think of what the woman who recently divorced her husband and whose son became a man through the good offices of the Irish Republic told me while I was hoisting myself out of the infinity pool. “I’m here because I’m an explorer. I’m here because I’m trying something new.” What if I allowed myself to believe in her fantasy?

2 photos: 2 slices of pizza on plate; man in "Daddy's Little Meatball" shirt and shorts standing in outdoor dining area with ship's exhaust stacks in background

“YOU REALLY STARTED AT THE TOP,” they tell me. I’m at the Coastal Kitchen for my eggs and corned-beef hash, and the maître d’ has slotted me in between two couples. Fueled by coffee or perhaps intrigued by my relative youth, they strike up a conversation with me. As always, people are shocked that this is my first cruise. They contrast the Icon favorably with all the preceding liners in the Royal Caribbean fleet, usually commenting on the efficiency of the elevators that hurl us from deck to deck (as in many large corporate buildings, the elevators ask you to choose a floor and then direct you to one of many lifts). The couple to my right, from Palo Alto—he refers to his “porn mustache” and calls his wife “my cougar” because she is two years older—tell me they are “Pandemic Pinnacles.”

This is the day that my eyes will be opened. Pinnacles , it is explained to me over translucent cantaloupe, have sailed with Royal Caribbean for 700 ungodly nights. Pandemic Pinnacles took advantage of the two-for-one accrual rate of Pinnacle points during the pandemic, when sailing on a cruise ship was even more ill-advised, to catapult themselves into Pinnacle status.

Because of the importance of the inaugural voyage of the world’s largest cruise liner, more than 200 Pinnacles are on this ship, a startling number, it seems. Mrs. Palo Alto takes out a golden badge that I have seen affixed over many a breast, which reads CROWN AND ANCHOR SOCIETY along with her name. This is the coveted badge of the Pinnacle. “You should hear all the whining in Guest Services,” her husband tells me. Apparently, the Pinnacles who are not also Suites like us are all trying to use their status to get into Coastal Kitchen, our elite restaurant. Even a Pinnacle needs to be a Suite to access this level of corned-beef hash.

“We’re just baby Pinnacles,” Mrs. Palo Alto tells me, describing a kind of internal class struggle among the Pinnacle elite for ever higher status.

And now I understand what the maître d’ was saying to me on the first day of my cruise. He wasn’t saying “ pendejo .” He was saying “Pinnacle.” The dining room was for Pinnacles only, all those older people rolling in like the tide on their motorized scooters.

And now I understand something else: This whole thing is a cult. And like most cults, it can’t help but mirror the endless American fight for status. Like Keith Raniere’s NXIVM, where different-colored sashes were given out to connote rank among Raniere’s branded acolytes, this is an endless competition among Pinnacles, Suites, Diamond-Plusers, and facing-the-mall, no-balcony purple SeaPass Card peasants, not to mention the many distinctions within each category. The more you cruise, the higher your status. No wonder a section of the Royal Promenade is devoted to getting passengers to book their next cruise during the one they should be enjoying now. No wonder desperate Royal Caribbean offers (“FINAL HOURS”) crowded my email account weeks before I set sail. No wonder the ship’s jewelry store, the Royal Bling, is selling a $100,000 golden chalice that will entitle its owner to drink free on Royal Caribbean cruises for life. (One passenger was already gaming out whether her 28-year-old son was young enough to “just about earn out” on the chalice or if that ship had sailed.) No wonder this ship was sold out months before departure , and we had to pay $19,000 for a horrid suite away from the Suite Neighborhood. No wonder the most mythical hero of Royal Caribbean lore is someone named Super Mario, who has cruised so often, he now has his own working desk on many ships. This whole experience is part cult, part nautical pyramid scheme.

From the June 2014 issue: Ship of wonks

“The toilets are amazing,” the Palo Altos are telling me. “One flush and you’re done.” “They don’t understand how energy-efficient these ships are,” the husband of the other couple is telling me. “They got the LNG”—liquefied natural gas, which is supposed to make the Icon a boon to the environment (a concept widely disputed and sometimes ridiculed by environmentalists).

But I’m thinking along a different line of attack as I spear my last pallid slice of melon. For my streaming limited series, a Pinnacle would have to get killed by either an outright peasant or a Suite without an ocean view. I tell my breakfast companions my idea.

“Oh, for sure a Pinnacle would have to be killed,” Mr. Palo Alto, the Pandemic Pinnacle, says, touching his porn mustache thoughtfully as his wife nods.

“THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S your time, buddy!” Hubert, my fun-loving Panamanian cabin attendant, shouts as I step out of my suite in a robe. “Take it easy, buddy!”

I have come up with a new dressing strategy. Instead of trying to impress with my choice of T-shirts, I have decided to start wearing a robe, as one does at a resort property on land, with a proper spa and hammam. The response among my fellow cruisers has been ecstatic. “Look at you in the robe!” Mr. Rand cries out as we pass each other by the Thrill Island aqua park. “You’re living the cruise life! You know, you really drank me under the table that night.” I laugh as we part ways, but my soul cries out, Please spend more time with me, Mr. and Mrs. Rand; I so need the company .

In my white robe, I am a stately presence, a refugee from a better limited series, a one-man crossover episode. (Only Suites are granted these robes to begin with.) Today, I will try many of the activities these ships have on offer to provide their clientele with a sense of never-ceasing motion. Because I am already at Thrill Island, I decide to climb the staircase to what looks like a mast on an old-fashioned ship (terrified, because I am afraid of heights) to try a ride called “Storm Chasers,” which is part of the “Category 6” water park, named in honor of one of the storms that may someday do away with the Port of Miami entirely. Storm Chasers consists of falling from the “mast” down a long, twisting neon tube filled with water, like being the camera inside your own colonoscopy, as you hold on to the handles of a mat, hoping not to die. The tube then flops you down headfirst into a trough of water, a Royal Caribbean baptism. It both knocks my breath out and makes me sad.

In keeping with the aquatic theme, I attend a show at the AquaDome. To the sound of “Live and Let Die,” a man in a harness gyrates to and fro in the sultry air. I saw something very similar in the back rooms of the famed Berghain club in early-aughts Berlin. Soon another harnessed man is gyrating next to the first. Ja , I think to myself, I know how this ends. Now will come the fisting , natürlich . But the show soon devolves into the usual Marvel-film-grade nonsense, with too much light and sound signifying nichts . If any fisting is happening, it is probably in the Suite Neighborhood, inside a cabin marked with an upside-down pineapple, which I understand means a couple are ready to swing, and I will see none of it.

I go to the ice show, which is a kind of homage—if that’s possible—to the periodic table, done with the style and pomp and masterful precision that would please the likes of Kim Jong Un, if only he could afford Royal Caribbean talent. At one point, the dancers skate to the theme song of Succession . “See that!” I want to say to my fellow Suites—at “cultural” events, we have a special section reserved for us away from the commoners—“ Succession ! It’s even better than the zombie show! Open your minds!”

Finally, I visit a comedy revue in an enormous and too brightly lit version of an “intimate,” per Royal Caribbean literature, “Manhattan comedy club.” Many of the jokes are about the cruising life. “I’ve lived on ships for 20 years,” one of the middle-aged comedians says. “I can only see so many Filipino homosexuals dressed as a taco.” He pauses while the audience laughs. “I am so fired tonight,” he says. He segues into a Trump impression and then Biden falling asleep at the microphone, which gets the most laughs. “Anyone here from Fort Leonard Wood?” another comedian asks. Half the crowd seems to cheer. As I fall asleep that night, I realize another connection I have failed to make, and one that may explain some of the diversity on this vessel—many of its passengers have served in the military.

As a coddled passenger with a suite, I feel like I am starting to understand what it means to have a rank and be constantly reminded of it. There are many espresso makers , I think as I look across the expanse of my officer-grade quarters before closing my eyes, but this one is mine .

photo of sheltered sandy beach with palms, umbrellas, and chairs with two large docked cruise ships in background

A shocking sight greets me beyond the pools of Deck 17 as I saunter over to the Coastal Kitchen for my morning intake of slightly sour Americanos. A tiny city beneath a series of perfectly pressed green mountains. Land! We have docked for a brief respite in Basseterre, the capital of St. Kitts and Nevis. I wolf down my egg scramble to be one of the first passengers off the ship. Once past the gangway, I barely refrain from kissing the ground. I rush into the sights and sounds of this scruffy island city, sampling incredible conch curry and buckets of non-Starbucks coffee. How wonderful it is to be where God intended humans to be: on land. After all, I am neither a fish nor a mall rat. This is my natural environment. Basseterre may not be Havana, but there are signs of human ingenuity and desire everywhere you look. The Black Table Grill Has been Relocated to Soho Village, Market Street, Directly Behind of, Gary’s Fruits and Flower Shop. Signed. THE PORK MAN reads a sign stuck to a wall. Now, that is how you write a sign. A real sign, not the come-ons for overpriced Rolexes that blink across the screens of the Royal Promenade.

“Hey, tie your shoestring!” a pair of laughing ladies shout to me across the street.

“Thank you!” I shout back. Shoestring! “Thank you very much.”

A man in Independence Square Park comes by and asks if I want to play with his monkey. I haven’t heard that pickup line since the Penn Station of the 1980s. But then he pulls a real monkey out of a bag. The monkey is wearing a diaper and looks insane. Wonderful , I think, just wonderful! There is so much life here. I email my editor asking if I can remain on St. Kitts and allow the Icon to sail off into the horizon without me. I have even priced a flight home at less than $300, and I have enough material from the first four days on the cruise to write the entire story. “It would be funny …” my editor replies. “Now get on the boat.”

As I slink back to the ship after my brief jailbreak, the locals stand under umbrellas to gaze at and photograph the boat that towers over their small capital city. The limousines of the prime minister and his lackeys are parked beside the gangway. St. Kitts, I’ve been told, is one of the few islands that would allow a ship of this size to dock.

“We hear about all the waterslides,” a sweet young server in one of the cafés told me. “We wish we could go on the ship, but we have to work.”

“I want to stay on your island,” I replied. “I love it here.”

But she didn’t understand how I could possibly mean that.

“WASHY, WASHY, so you don’t get stinky, stinky!” kids are singing outside the AquaDome, while their adult minders look on in disapproval, perhaps worried that Mr. Washy Washy is grooming them into a life of gayness. I heard a southern couple skip the buffet entirely out of fear of Mr. Washy Washy.

Meanwhile, I have found a new watering hole for myself, the Swim & Tonic, the biggest swim-up bar on any cruise ship in the world. Drinking next to full-size, nearly naked Americans takes away one’s own self-consciousness. The men have curvaceous mom bodies. The women are equally un-shy about their sprawling physiques.

Today I’ve befriended a bald man with many children who tells me that all of the little trinkets that Royal Caribbean has left us in our staterooms and suites are worth a fortune on eBay. “Eighty dollars for the water bottle, 60 for the lanyard,” the man says. “This is a cult.”

“Tell me about it,” I say. There is, however, a clientele for whom this cruise makes perfect sense. For a large middle-class family (he works in “supply chains”), seven days in a lower-tier cabin—which starts at $1,800 a person—allow the parents to drop off their children in Surfside, where I imagine many young Filipina crew members will take care of them, while the parents are free to get drunk at a swim-up bar and maybe even get intimate in their cabin. Cruise ships have become, for a certain kind of hardworking family, a form of subsidized child care.

There is another man I would like to befriend at the Swim & Tonic, a tall, bald fellow who is perpetually inebriated and who wears a necklace studded with little rubber duckies in sunglasses, which, I am told, is a sort of secret handshake for cruise aficionados. Tomorrow, I will spend more time with him, but first the ship docks at St. Thomas, in the U.S. Virgin Islands. Charlotte Amalie, the capital, is more charming in name than in presence, but I still all but jump off the ship to score a juicy oxtail and plantains at the well-known Petite Pump Room, overlooking the harbor. From one of the highest points in the small city, the Icon of the Seas appears bigger than the surrounding hills.

I usually tan very evenly, but something about the discombobulation of life at sea makes me forget the regular application of sunscreen. As I walk down the streets of Charlotte Amalie in my fluorescent Icon of the Seas cap, an old Rastafarian stares me down. “Redneck,” he hisses.

“No,” I want to tell him, as I bring a hand up to my red neck, “that’s not who I am at all. On my island, Mannahatta, as Whitman would have it, I am an interesting person living within an engaging artistic milieu. I do not wish to use the Caribbean as a dumping ground for the cruise-ship industry. I love the work of Derek Walcott. You don’t understand. I am not a redneck. And if I am, they did this to me.” They meaning Royal Caribbean? Its passengers? The Rands?

“They did this to me!”

Back on the Icon, some older matrons are muttering about a run-in with passengers from the Celebrity cruise ship docked next to us, the Celebrity Apex. Although Celebrity Cruises is also owned by Royal Caribbean, I am made to understand that there is a deep fratricidal beef between passengers of the two lines. “We met a woman from the Apex,” one matron says, “and she says it was a small ship and there was nothing to do. Her face was as tight as a 19-year-old’s, she had so much surgery.” With those words, and beneath a cloudy sky, humidity shrouding our weathered faces and red necks, we set sail once again, hopefully in the direction of home.

photo from inside of spacious geodesic-style glass dome facing ocean, with stairwells and seating areas

THERE ARE BARELY 48 HOURS LEFT to the cruise, and the Icon of the Seas’ passengers are salty. They know how to work the elevators. They know the Washy Washy song by heart. They understand that the chicken gyro at “Feta Mediterranean,” in the AquaDome Market, is the least problematic form of chicken on the ship.

The passengers have shed their INAUGURAL CRUISE T-shirts and are now starting to evince political opinions. There are caps pledging to make America great again and T-shirts that celebrate words sometimes attributed to Patrick Henry: “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people; it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government.” With their preponderance of FAMILY FLAG FAITH FRIENDS FIREARMS T-shirts, the tables by the crepe station sometimes resemble the Capitol Rotunda on January 6. The Real Anthony Fauci , by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., appears to be a popular form of literature, especially among young men with very complicated versions of the American flag on their T-shirts. Other opinions blend the personal and the political. “Someone needs to kill Washy guy, right?” a well-dressed man in the elevator tells me, his gray eyes radiating nothing. “Just beat him to death. Am I right?” I overhear the male member of a young couple whisper, “There goes that freak” as I saunter by in my white spa robe, and I decide to retire it for the rest of the cruise.

I visit the Royal Bling to see up close the $100,000 golden chalice that entitles you to free drinks on Royal Caribbean forever. The pleasant Serbian saleslady explains that the chalice is actually gold-plated and covered in white zirconia instead of diamonds, as it would otherwise cost $1 million. “If you already have everything,” she explains, “this is one more thing you can get.”

I believe that anyone who works for Royal Caribbean should be entitled to immediate American citizenship. They already speak English better than most of the passengers and, per the Serbian lady’s sales pitch above, better understand what America is as well. Crew members like my Panamanian cabin attendant seem to work 24 hours a day. A waiter from New Delhi tells me that his contract is six months and three weeks long. After a cruise ends, he says, “in a few hours, we start again for the next cruise.” At the end of the half a year at sea, he is allowed a two-to-three-month stay at home with his family. As of 2019, the median income for crew members was somewhere in the vicinity of $20,000, according to a major business publication. Royal Caribbean would not share the current median salary for its crew members, but I am certain that it amounts to a fraction of the cost of a Royal Bling gold-plated, zirconia-studded chalice.

And because most of the Icon’s hyper-sanitized spaces are just a frittata away from being a Delta lounge, one forgets that there are actual sailors on this ship, charged with the herculean task of docking it in port. “Having driven 100,000-ton aircraft carriers throughout my career,” retired Admiral James G. Stavridis, the former NATO Supreme Allied Commander Europe, writes to me, “I’m not sure I would even know where to begin with trying to control a sea monster like this one nearly three times the size.” (I first met Stavridis while touring Army bases in Germany more than a decade ago.)

Today, I decide to head to the hot tub near Swim & Tonic, where some of the ship’s drunkest reprobates seem to gather (the other tubs are filled with families and couples). The talk here, like everywhere else on the ship, concerns football, a sport about which I know nothing. It is apparent that four teams have recently competed in some kind of finals for the year, and that two of them will now face off in the championship. Often when people on the Icon speak, I will try to repeat the last thing they said with a laugh or a nod of disbelief. “Yes, 20-yard line! Ha!” “Oh my God, of course, scrimmage.”

Soon we are joined in the hot tub by the late-middle-age drunk guy with the duck necklace. He is wearing a bucket hat with the legend HAWKEYES , which, I soon gather, is yet another football team. “All right, who turned me in?” Duck Necklace says as he plops into the tub beside us. “I get a call in the morning,” he says. “It’s security. Can you come down to the dining room by 10 a.m.? You need to stay away from the members of this religious family.” Apparently, the gregarious Duck Necklace had photobombed the wrong people. There are several families who present as evangelical Christians or practicing Muslims on the ship. One man, evidently, was not happy that Duck Necklace had made contact with his relatives. “It’s because of religious stuff; he was offended. I put my arm around 20 people a day.”

Everyone laughs. “They asked me three times if I needed medication,” he says of the security people who apparently interrogated him in full view of others having breakfast.

Another hot-tub denizen suggests that he should have asked for fentanyl. After a few more drinks, Duck Necklace begins to muse about what it would be like to fall off the ship. “I’m 62 and I’m ready to go,” he says. “I just don’t want a shark to eat me. I’m a huge God guy. I’m a Bible guy. There’s some Mayan theory squaring science stuff with religion. There is so much more to life on Earth.” We all nod into our Red Stripes.

“I never get off the ship when we dock,” he says. He tells us he lost $6,000 in the casino the other day. Later, I look him up, and it appears that on land, he’s a financial adviser in a crisp gray suit, probably a pillar of his North Chicago community.

photo of author smiling and holding soft-serve ice-cream cone with outdoor seating area in background

THE OCEAN IS TEEMING with fascinating life, but on the surface it has little to teach us. The waves come and go. The horizon remains ever far away.

I am constantly told by my fellow passengers that “everybody here has a story.” Yes, I want to reply, but everybody everywhere has a story. You, the reader of this essay, have a story, and yet you’re not inclined to jump on a cruise ship and, like Duck Necklace, tell your story to others at great pitch and volume. Maybe what they’re saying is that everybody on this ship wants to have a bigger, more coherent, more interesting story than the one they’ve been given. Maybe that’s why there’s so much signage on the doors around me attesting to marriages spent on the sea. Maybe that’s why the Royal Caribbean newsletter slipped under my door tells me that “this isn’t a vacation day spent—it’s bragging rights earned.” Maybe that’s why I’m so lonely.

Today is a big day for Icon passengers. Today the ship docks at Royal Caribbean’s own Bahamian island, the Perfect Day at CocoCay. (This appears to be the actual name of the island.) A comedian at the nightclub opined on what his perfect day at CocoCay would look like—receiving oral sex while learning that his ex-wife had been killed in a car crash (big laughter). But the reality of the island is far less humorous than that.

One of the ethnic tristate ladies in the infinity pool told me that she loved CocoCay because it had exactly the same things that could be found on the ship itself. This proves to be correct. It is like the Icon, but with sand. The same tired burgers, the same colorful tubes conveying children and water from Point A to B. The same swim-up bar at its Hideaway ($140 for admittance, no children allowed; Royal Caribbean must be printing money off its clientele). “There was almost a fight at The Wizard of Oz ,” I overhear an elderly woman tell her companion on a chaise lounge. Apparently one of the passengers began recording Royal Caribbean’s intellectual property and “three guys came after him.”

I walk down a pathway to the center of the island, where a sign reads DO NOT ENTER: YOU HAVE REACHED THE BOUNDARY OF ADVENTURE . I hear an animal scampering in the bushes. A Royal Caribbean worker in an enormous golf cart soon chases me down and takes me back to the Hideaway, where I run into Mrs. Rand in a bikini. She becomes livid telling me about an altercation she had the other day with a woman over a towel and a deck chair. We Suites have special towel privileges; we do not have to hand over our SeaPass Card to score a towel. But the Rands are not Suites. “People are so entitled here,” Mrs. Rand says. “It’s like the airport with all its classes.” “You see,” I want to say, “this is where your husband’s love of Ayn Rand runs into the cruelties and arbitrary indignities of unbridled capitalism.” Instead we make plans to meet for a final drink in the Schooner Bar tonight (the Rands will stand me up).

Back on the ship, I try to do laps, but the pool (the largest on any cruise ship, naturally) is fully trashed with the detritus of American life: candy wrappers, a slowly dissolving tortilla chip, napkins. I take an extra-long shower in my suite, then walk around the perimeter of the ship on a kind of exercise track, past all the alluring lifeboats in their yellow-and-white livery. Maybe there is a dystopian angle to the HBO series that I will surely end up pitching, one with shades of WALL-E or Snowpiercer . In a collapsed world, a Royal Caribbean–like cruise liner sails from port to port, collecting new shipmates and supplies in exchange for the precious energy it has on board. (The actual Icon features a new technology that converts passengers’ poop into enough energy to power the waterslides . In the series, this shitty technology would be greatly expanded.) A very young woman (18? 19?), smart and lonely, who has only known life on the ship, walks along the same track as I do now, contemplating jumping off into the surf left by its wake. I picture reusing Duck Necklace’s words in the opening shot of the pilot. The girl is walking around the track, her eyes on the horizon; maybe she’s highborn—a Suite—and we hear the voice-over: “I’m 19 and I’m ready to go. I just don’t want a shark to eat me.”

Before the cruise is finished, I talk to Mr. Washy Washy, or Nielbert of the Philippines. He is a sweet, gentle man, and I thank him for the earworm of a song he has given me and for keeping us safe from the dreaded norovirus. “This is very important to me, getting people to wash their hands,” he tells me in his burger getup. He has dreams, as an artist and a performer, but they are limited in scope. One day he wants to dress up as a piece of bacon for the morning shift.

THE MAIDEN VOYAGE OF THE TITANIC (the Icon of the Seas is five times as large as that doomed vessel) at least offered its passengers an exciting ending to their cruise, but when I wake up on the eighth day, all I see are the gray ghosts that populate Miami’s condo skyline. Throughout my voyage, my writer friends wrote in to commiserate with me. Sloane Crosley, who once covered a three-day spa mini-cruise for Vogue , tells me she felt “so very alone … I found it very untethering.” Gideon Lewis-Kraus writes in an Instagram comment: “When Gary is done I think it’s time this genre was taken out back and shot.” And he is right. To badly paraphrase Adorno: After this, no more cruise stories. It is unfair to put a thinking person on a cruise ship. Writers typically have difficult childhoods, and it is cruel to remind them of the inherent loneliness that drove them to writing in the first place. It is also unseemly to write about the kind of people who go on cruises. Our country does not provide the education and upbringing that allow its citizens an interior life. For the creative class to point fingers at the large, breasty gentlemen adrift in tortilla-chip-laden pools of water is to gather a sour harvest of low-hanging fruit.

A day or two before I got off the ship, I decided to make use of my balcony, which I had avoided because I thought the view would only depress me further. What I found shocked me. My suite did not look out on Central Park after all. This entire time, I had been living in the ship’s Disneyland, Surfside, the neighborhood full of screaming toddlers consuming milkshakes and candy. And as I leaned out over my balcony, I beheld a slight vista of the sea and surf that I thought I had been missing. It had been there all along. The sea was frothy and infinite and blue-green beneath the span of a seagull’s wing. And though it had been trod hard by the world’s largest cruise ship, it remained.

This article appears in the May 2024 print edition with the headline “A Meatball at Sea.” When you buy a book using a link on this page, we receive a commission. Thank you for supporting The Atlantic.

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